"Actually, when I unfolded this letter, I felt like I had a lot to say to you, but I didn't know what to say to you.
For a long time, we seemed to be very close to each other, but it was always as if we were separated by many distant mountains and could not get close to each other.
I once tried to enter your world, but I couldn't get in. Later, I tried hard to stay away from your world, but I still couldn't do it. Maybe this is my fate.
People always say that debts from past lives must be repaid in this life. Whenever I feel that my life is unsatisfactory, I can't help but comfort myself by saying that perhaps I am here to repay all the debts I owed in my previous life. I can ascend and return to my original world. Although this idea is very naive and metaphysical, it does make me feel more calm and fearless when facing all the unsatisfactory situations.
It's the same this time.
In fact, for a long time, I have not had the courage to go back to your world again. We didn't get married because of love, nor did we get divorced because we didn't love each other, it was just because it was inappropriate. But it happened that we had reached a consensus on this fact two years ago, but two years later we had to rethink and break it because of our children.
I often say that your world is too far away and too high for me to reach. This is not only determined by our status, but also may be determined by the different perspectives caused by our different native backgrounds.
I remember we discussed this issue when we were in Zurich. What you want is life, and what I want is love.
I was picked up, and my mother didn't want to keep me at that time. It was because I had no way to go, so I begged and cried for nothing, so I was kept here. I have a family, but I don’t have one. Ever since I was a child, I really want to feel what it feels like to be loved by someone, whether it’s my family or my husband. I always feel that the things I haven’t gotten in my life are always the same. I want to experience it once, so I am always too persistent on the question of whether there is love or not.
You have not lacked these things since you were a child, but you have lacked companionship, so maybe for you, companionship means more than anything else. I don't know if this is the right way to analyze you. If I'm wrong, please don't mind.
Because of my excessive persistence in love, I was unable to accept this marriage calmly. I have grown up in this kind of loveless environment for the first half of my life, and I have to spend the rest of my life in this kind of atmosphere. This is a very desperate thing for me, so for a long time, I resisted Any request you make, including suggestions to get back together for Tongtong.
This is probably because the more something is missing in life, the more something is desired. For a long time, I have been trapped in the contradictions and entanglements of self-game because of these unrealistic persistence. Therefore, I have hurt you and Tongtong. I am sorry.
You are the first person I like and the only person I have ever liked and loved deeply. All this time, the love I have given to my family has never been reciprocated, so I can't help but put this kind of expectation on you that I want but can't get. I will care whether you like me or not, whether you love me or not. I always think that my love for you can be reciprocated in equal measure. If I don’t get it, it’s better not to give up. I have been avoiding and staying away from you all these years, just to make my life easier, but I have also ignored it. a fact.
On the premise that you have no fault whatsoever, I, who chose to give birth to Tongtong, cannot be completely alone and only think about myself. Tongtong likes you, and you love Tongtong. I have not deprived you of your right to enjoy a family relationship, and since I chose to give birth to Tongtong, I have the obligation to educate and accompany her.
I have thought a lot these days and thought a lot. In fact, there is no big conflict between us. We have always been able to live in harmony like an ordinary couple. All the imbalances are just caused by my obsession. But these may just be my mistakes without knowing it, but they have also caused harm to you and Tongtong. I am really sorry.
Fu Jingchuan, if possible, can we... try to reconcile and give Tongtong a complete home? "
There is a series of ellipses at the end of the letter, which may mean it is finished or not yet. In the blank space she scrolled down, there was another sentence she had written down: "But if you think about it carefully, you are so innocent. 'Like' is a very personal and uncontrollable thing. No one has the obligation to treat another person." People like to be responsible.”
This letter was a complete analysis of her own mental journey, and it was also an in-depth communication with him. She might have wanted to send it to him, but felt it was inappropriate, so after she finished writing it, she silently put it into her draft box.
Fu Jingchuan didn't know what mood Shiyang was in when he wrote this letter to him, and what mood he was in when he put it back into his draft box, changing it into a few simple and hesitant words: "We and Okay," "I'm sorry," and "Happy birthday." Looking at every word of peace and simplicity, it is already what she has been dreaming of in her life.
He didn't know how long she sat alone in front of the computer when she wrote this letter, and how long she hesitated.
Every word she wrote was a compromise with fate after self-discipline.
Fu Jingchuan stood motionless, reading these words over and over again, imagining Shiyang sitting in front of the computer and typing out this text, and the sweetness in his throat rose up one after another.
As soon as Sister Gao came back from Lin Shanshan's place, she saw Fu Jingchuan standing in the living room with Shiyang's mobile phone. His dark eyes were staring at the screen of the mobile phone, his expression was dull, and he was like a sculpture, unresponsive.
She couldn't help but called him worriedly: "Mr. Fu?"
Fu Jingchuan seemed to be unaware, still staring at the screen of his mobile phone motionlessly. When she approached, he suddenly made a "pop" sound and spit out a large mouthful of blood from his mouth.
