There was a long silence in the room.
And I never turned on the lights in the room, making this night light the last layer of protective color around Teacher Yu.
"When did you break down?"
Finally, I asked the most crucial question.
Teacher Yu raised his head in surprise and said, "I didn't collapse." There was a hint of stubbornness in his voice.
"I didn't cry or make trouble, why did I collapse?"
I laughed.
She doesn't even know what a breakdown is!
Collapse is not squatting on the street crying and yelling. It is the healing medicine after you feel the collapse. It is a way of venting.
Collapse is when something unacceptable happens, the sense of surprise and unacceptable shock. It is the silent collapse after enough pressure has been accumulated. It is when the emotions accumulate, and every time the anger reaches its peak, the moment of collapse Unable to control.
Therefore, collapse makes people feel so terrible, because the moment it comes, there is not even a greeting.
I've had breakdowns.
Every accident in the park was devastating. The way I treated myself at that time was to cover my mouth and cry bitterly without making any sound;
In the village, I carried the bullet in my back and pretended to be deaf-mute. When I returned to the wooden house, I hugged my knees and cried.
However, you will understand after the incident. It turns out that crying and crying are not a breakdown, but the unconscious treatment of people who have no understanding of their own psychological injuries.
So how do I know this?
It originated from a chat with Xiaoxiao.
One of her sisters was doing psychological counseling in China. At that time, Xiaoxiao just let me occupy the hotel and go to the psychiatrist to complain. The doctor told her that the way to solve this problem was to write down all the sources of pain.
Eventually, she discovered that what she had written was completely different from what she had imagined in her head.
What she wrote was that she hated Meneng, hated this world without the rule of law, and hated the barbaric people here.
Then the psychiatrist asked her, why do you hate Meng Neng?
Xiaoxiao's reply was that there was a man named Lao Qiao here who did all sorts of evil things, and there was a man named Xu Ruifeng who did all sorts of dirty things. He made the most ferocious criticism from a moral and human perspective. I wanted to find a silver sword and insert it into our hearts, and then lock them in a coffin.
Finally, Xiaoxiao mentioned the hotel and said that all the bad things happened there.
This was the only specific location in the entire description, and the psychiatrist keenly caught this and started asking about the hotel.
Only then did Xiaoxiao realize that what she hated didn't seem to be Meng Neng or the hotel. What she really hated was the irresistible incident that happened in the hotel room that day.
Then, she cried in front of the psychiatrist’s video call all night long.
It was healed so slowly.
That's when I met Xiaoxiao on the street and took her on the old Zhao family cruise ship.
Collapse is so terrible, so terrible that some people will use strength to cover up the wounds, and then pretend to be nonchalant and say: "I didn't."
I feel that Teacher Yu’s collapse originated from that escape in the mountains.
She is a teacher who keeps shouting "benevolence, justice and morality", but when danger comes, she chooses to escape.
This kind of collapse was not imposed on her by anyone. It was the torture she inflicted on herself when she thought about it every night when she couldn't sleep.
Then, at dawn, I went to the mirror and treated myself as if nothing was wrong, letting the wounds bleed in my heart.
This is the "unbearable pain" that a person who "plays with ideals" must endure after choosing the wrong "ideal" without experiencing any pain.
However, the injured person does not know himself, let alone what self-knowledge means to heal himself.
"I'm not broken," she said.
After saying this, he started to get emotional. He raised his hands and said, "I just can't understand!"
"What did I do wrong?"
"I want the world to change for the better. What's wrong with me?"
“I want to be a great person, what’s wrong with that?”
"I want to change everything, right?"
All correct.
That's right.
I explained, “Choosing a positive life is never wrong, ever.”
"But you have to meet an era that suits you."
"Go back eighty years, and you will meet a group of like-minded people like you in the most difficult environment."
"You guys can eat glutinous rice bran and talk about your dreams..."
"But now you see only ideals."
I felt pressure in my chest, as if there was a breath trapped there that couldn't come out.
Even I have this feeling. You can imagine what Teacher Yu endured.
"It's impossible that the era you mentioned didn't exist."
"The people here have been ruled by drug lords for a long time. Their only thought is to survive and live a better life. They think your ideas are hollow."
"This is the chaff you should eat!"
"But, you can't even take a bite."
"Do you understand what this means?"
"It shows that there is nothing wrong with those ideals, but you should not be the one to fulfill them."
"If you ask me, a person who always talks about 'X your mother', to teach children in schools, all I will bring out is a group of hooligans. Who dares to expect this group of people to change the times?"
"Understand?"
Teacher Yu did not avoid my gaze this time, she looked at me fearlessly.
"Then what does my effort count for?"
She had begun to speak poorly. After her ideals became untenable, she began to work hard.
"Is this a joke in your eyes?"
I couldn't hit her yet, the blow was too much, and the girl turned around and pulled the trigger on the other girl, and the result would only be worse.
I can only say one thing against my will: "No firework in this world can touch the stars, but who dares to say that fireworks are not beautiful when they bloom?"
Yes, I understand the hearts of these people very well. The fools in this society are all poisoned to death by beautiful words, and every one of them counts.
Teacher Yu told me the answer with unimaginable surprise.
She could never imagine that I could say such desirable words.
But how empty is this sentence?
Fireworks can only be a flash in the pan, and they will never become eternal stars in this life.
Those who watch fireworks will only be hugged into hotel rooms. Only those who watch stars will spend a lot of money to buy high-powered astronomical telescopes!
I slowly stood at the door under Teacher Yu's gaze, walked towards her step by step and said, "It's like if you acknowledge the great attributes of those 'ideals', you must be mentally prepared for 'sacrifice' .”
"No ideal in this world can be achieved by 'one person' or even 'a generation'. There must be a process of 'succession'."
"You're already doing well, you've made a good start."
I stretched out my hand and slowly held her gun. When she looked at me with alert eyes, I put my other hand on her shoulder to stabilize her mood and said, "What you are thinking about now should not be about success. Or fail..."
"You should think about why the flowers you have experienced bloom, why there is night and day, and the excitement you felt when you and those classmates chatted about your ideals at the wine table..."
I unloaded the gun in her relaxed hand: "If you still want to continue your ideal, I will also help you find a teacher."
"teacher?"
She looked at me.
I unloaded the magazine from the gun and ejected the loaded bullet before saying, "Yes, in the dark prison." (End of Chapter)
