I originally wanted to resume updating on the 17th, but I really can't muster the energy to write. It seems like a lot of things have been drained out of my mind, and I can't squeeze out any interesting words.
My grandma passed away two months ago, exactly 20 years ago. The old man has been affected by many diseases such as diabetes, cerebral infarction, femoral head necrosis, etc., and his quality of life has not been very high in the past few years. Over eighty years old, he died in a coma without much pain, which is not a bad thing for a weather-beaten old man. The children have fulfilled their filial piety over the years, and my grandpa passed away more than ten years ago. Although grandma is sad to die, she can still accept it in her heart. It is common for people to die due to birth, old age, illness, and death. After seeing too many deaths caused by illness, everyone felt that this was a blessing for the elderly.
However, my grandma did not enjoy this blessing. She was tortured by cancer and left this world in severe cancer pain.
She passed away in the early hours of the morning. I had fallen asleep at home at that time. When I woke up the next day, I received a call saying that my grandma had passed away. I felt quite calm because my grandma’s health was not as good as before after the Chinese New Year. She had given up the intense chemotherapy and returned to China. Everyone is mentally prepared to spend the last period of their lives at home. I even thought that this winter would be extremely difficult. When the weather gets warmer in spring, my grandmother might be able to get better. A week ago she was clearly able to eat, and she ate more than usual. She also became energetic and could go out to bask in the sun, which she thought was a sign of improvement. I didn't expect that this was just a flashback. Life passed by unexpectedly fast, and there was no time for you to say goodbye.
I drove in a hurry towards my grandma’s house. It was noon and the shed and running water mat had been set up in the yard. After getting out of the car, my grandpa came over to me and grabbed me and said that my mother-in-law was gone. His face, which was always smiling, fell down. He wanted to cry but held it back, so my relatively calm heart collapsed. When I arrived at the mourning hall, I knelt down and kowtowed and saw my grandma’s photo. I knew that my grandma was gone. I no longer cared about and nagged my grandma for decades. Tears fell down uncontrollably. My mother and two aunts cried even more sadly. They had been crying for a long time because they no longer had a mother.
Grandma must be the best mother in the world, and she is also the best grandmother in the world. Like many ordinary and great mothers in China, she devoted her life's hard work to her children, and she still remembered her children and grandchildren until her death. life, future. In the afternoon at the mourning hall, everyone used their own way to get through the grief caused by the loss of their loved ones. My aunt and I kept making origami ingots, my second aunt and the elders in the village kept talking about what happened when my grandma passed away, and my younger brother looked at my grandma. The portrait of the deceased was in a daze, and grandpa took his sister and talked about the agreement between him and grandma. He said that before he died, he and his grandmother talked about who would die first. Grandma said, old man, you can't die first. You have to live longer because you have a pension. You need to get more pension so that you can take care of your children. There are still three children who are not married and have children. In the future, when they get married and have children, you will give them red envelopes. Grandpa never took care of money in his life, and all his income was handed over to grandma. When grandma is leaving, she hands all the money to grandpa. She explains clearly how each sum will be used, how much will be given to each one for getting married, and how much will be given to each one for giving birth to a baby. She asks grandpa to help her attend the wedding and help her look after her descendants. This is an agreement between them.
Grandpa talked about how she and grandma got together. In that era, a matchmaker came to introduce them to each other. After seeing each other's conditions, they thought they were good. They asked the matchmaker to spread the word, and if their parents agreed, they got married together. Grandpa smiled and said that there was no such thing as free love at that time, but they had been noisy and loving for 60 years. This year happened to be their 60th golden wedding anniversary. My grandmother is a traditional country woman with no education, while my grandfather comes from a scholarly background, and his parents are both intellectuals. I don’t know how the two families agreed to get married in the first place. My grandpa’s mother was very educated and lived a long life. I still remember one time when she and my grandma were having dinner at the same table. The old lady talked about a topic and said, "Mr. Lu Xun once said" and quoted a sentence from his husband. Grandma was chewing While eating the food, she asked, "Who said that? Xiao Li? Which Xiao Li?" The old lady looked depressed and could not continue the topic. My grandfather went to middle school at that time and had a relatively high level of education. When he was young, he traveled to many places. He once rode a horse from Jiangsu to Inner Mongolia to make a living. He said that at that time, it was so cold in Baotou that he had to squat down and was immediately beaten. He picked her up and said that she would freeze to death if she squatted down.
In special times, due to family reasons, my grandfather was given a high hat. At that time, my grandmother stayed with him through the cold winter of his life, giving him warmth and not letting him freeze to death in the snow. As Hakkas, my grandparents and my family were alienated in the village. They lived alone by a small river without the help of relatives. They raised four children. When life was most difficult, my grandmother's mother and father would bring freshly milled rice and wheat flour to support them. My grandmother’s mother and father are both very old, and I have seen them both. My grandmother’s mother is a lady, with bound feet, always wearing a clean blue cloth, and her silver hair neatly combed. She told me at that time that I should comb my hair frequently, which is good for my health. She would also perform gua sha on me to remove moisture and treat my sore throat. Grandma's mother was very kind to her. When she died unexpectedly, grandma was very sad and said that she had not been filial to her in her life. She gave more love to her children. No matter how hard and tired her family was, she never let her children fall behind in studying. My mother, uncle, and aunt all went to college, which was not easy in those days.
It seems that this is always the case between parents and children. What the next generation owes to the previous generation must be repaid by the next generation, and this will continue from generation to generation. In the afternoon of the next day, I rested in my room and wanted to write for a while but couldn't write a word. My mother, who had not slept much for two days, came in to talk to me. She said that she had not been filial to her grandmother. If she had insisted on asking her to have a colonoscopy and discovered the tumor earlier, her grandmother would not have to suffer so much and would be living better today. In fact, I know that my mother has tried her best. After my grandma got cancer, she took care of her every step of the way for four years. A lot of other things happened at home at the same time, and she took care of them all by herself. She talked about how her grandmother once felt guilty about her mother, just like she feels guilty about her now, and I thought about how much I owed my mother. It is really difficult to repay the kindness of my parents. Looking at my mother's tears, I tried to make myself relaxed. Everyone is like this, comforting each other and saying relaxing and comforting words when they are together. Then I hid myself and wiped my tears secretly.
I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night. Lying on the sofa, I thought of my mother saying, "Mom has no mother anymore." I also lost my dearest grandmother. I know that some things in this world are eventually lost and can never come back. I remembered a summer night about 20 years ago. I was at my uncle's house with my grandma during the summer vacation. I was still young and lying on the bed. I had just learned about death and suddenly thought that one day my grandma would leave me, and I sobbed. I cried secretly on the bed. In the blink of an eye over the past twenty years, I have learned a lot and lost a lot, but when the loss comes, I still feel unbearable grief. After all, a piece of my heart is missing, and the bleeding makes me feel a faint pain every time I look back. The greatest love in the world is also the greatest suffering in the world. I hope all book friends will understand. But I will return as soon as possible, because after the loss, I will know better how to live and work well, give life more meaning, and be better able to face and bear the loss.
Tomorrow may not be better, but tomorrow will come, it will come. May you cherish what you have now, cherish what you love, do your best, and have few regrets. Good night.
