I have been thinking about one thing these days. I am already unhappy writing this book. Do I still need to write it?

For me, a handicapped person, coding is a very time-consuming thing. I have to study and do homework every day. In November, I maintained 4,000 words a day. There was basically no free time every day. Although it was fulfilling, it was really tired.

I am a relatively solitary person. I am so solitary that after all these years, I have no close friends and my communication with my parents is quite limited. No matter what happens, I have to deal with it myself.

When I am sad, I feel sad alone. When I need comfort, I always hide myself subconsciously, not wanting to be discovered.

When I'm happy, I want to share it with others, but when the words come to my mouth, I don't know how to speak. I want to post a message to friends, organize the language and write it down, but many times I quit without clicking submit.

Sometimes I feel lonely and feel that this is not good. I will make up some stories and tell them about what I have seen. If they feel surprised or funny, I will also be surprised and laugh. Laugh, it makes you feel less lonely.

Looking back now, it's a bit funny that I spent so much time trying to make others happy just to make myself feel less lonely, like a clown.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

But sometimes, I feel that I am a weirdo. Previously, the author of this book stopped writing because of depression. Before graduation, I also heard that a certain classmate had depression, and a certain teacher had depression. After Douyin became popular , from time to time I see videos saying that I have depression, and I am quite surprised. It is really strange that my mother has not suffered from depression for so many years.

The most popular entertainment venues are Internet cafes. By the way, are Internet cafes considered entertainment venues?

Bars and KTVs are mysterious places for me. I never went to a KTV before I was 18. I went to an Internet cafe after my high school graduation party. After that, I went to a few times in college, but I felt like I was redundant. I couldn’t sing and held a microphone. Unspeakable.

I had never been to a bar before graduation. I felt that I didn’t know how to drink, and I felt that going there would be redundant.

After graduating from college, a roommate broke up with me and was heartbroken. I was the only friend in that city. He asked me to go out for a drink. I thought that out of obligation, I needed to comfort him. At least he could think of it at this time. Me, treat me as a friend.

Then, we went to a bar. I was one of those big girls who got into a sedan chair for the first time. I didn’t understand anything, so I just let it go. Anyway, my job was to drink some wine with him, comfort him, and respect my friends. obligations.

My friend ordered a bunch of wine and finally drank all the wine. I drank most of the wine. As a result, nothing happened to me. My friend was drunk and passed out. Only then did I realize that my mother-in-law is really good at drinking. Thinking back, this may be hereditary, after all, everyone in the family is very good at drinking.

After I came back that day, I was a little excited after drinking and couldn't sleep, so I started watching anime. I finished the four bad guys I hadn't watched in one go. I was a little excited after watching it, so I started writing fan fiction.

I heard that writing requires an outline, so I drafted two outlines, both very rough outlines of about a thousand words, and then I couldn’t wait to start writing.

As the number of words increased, people gradually read it, and there were also book reviews and paragraph reviews. At that time, I felt very happy, and I felt like I had never been noticed before.

When I get motivated, I keep writing and writing. As more and more people read it, more and more people criticize me. Basically, I don’t show any fear. In the comments I read on QQ, there are many posts about me criticizing people. .

In real life, when someone scolds me, I basically ignore it. When others scold me, I suffer silently.

If he is just like a s/b who makes trouble unreasonably, I feel like there is no need to pay attention to him. He is already a s/b, so why should he pay attention to him? Just stay away from him from now on.

But I’m writing a fanfic, I’m writing mine, I’m not messing with you, I’m not cheating you out of money or anything, I just don’t like leaving, and I’m not begging you to read it, if you say it doesn’t look good, then you’ll be fine, you Why are you scolding me and slandering me?

I definitely have to fight this back.

However, after it was put on the shelves, there were fewer such things, but relatively, there were a lot less comments, because fewer people read it, and my motivation to write was gradually reduced. After a month of hard work, the enthusiasm came At the lowest point, I feel like I don’t want to write anymore.

I spent the past few days on New Year's Day alone and felt a little lonely again. I opened my book and read it from the beginning, not the content, but the comments. I was very happy.

Flipping through it, I saw my previous promise, saying that I would not be a prisoner.

It seemed that there was nothing he could break about his promise except for force majeure, and he felt that he could not make an exception in this matter.

Besides, no matter how bad a book is, it should have an ending, so I got up again and updated it.