I stared at the cockroach in my hand for a long time, and suddenly smiled.
I have been thinking about others all my life and have pursued fairness from beginning to end. I regard fairness as the creed of my life.
But who in the world has thought about it for me?
I face the whole world holding the scale in my heart, but it is always being shaken and tilted by others.
When everyone introduces me, they say I am a famous "female" lawyer in Chengdu. I really hate this title.
What I want is equality, not preferential treatment.
I am a lawyer, whether I am famous or not, why do I have to emphasize that I am a "female" lawyer? I'm just trying to be like other lawyers, I want them to see the ability to do the job, not the gender.
But……
None of these things matter now.
Now I just want to drink some water and eat something sweet and salty.
My gums bleed all the time and they can't stop it.
I might be dying...
You said...has anyone died in this room?
Why are there so many scratches on the walls?
Those scratches were not made by me, but they are still clear. Has anyone ever lived here?
The next night, the horse butcher appeared again.
This time, he probably couldn't stand the smell on my body, so he specially pulled a water pipe.
After he opened the door, he sprayed water on me without saying a word. He recorded the whole process on his mobile phone.
Yes, I look like a pig.
I remember that their butcher used a water gun to wash away the pig's body.
Now I don't have any dignity or personality, I'm just a pig waiting to be slaughtered.
Can you kill me?
He washed me for about ten minutes, and most of the dirt and mud on my body was washed away.
Even though I look like a pig, I have to say I feel much more comfortable now than before, at least I'm a little cleaner.
As a human being... you have to at least make sure you are clean, right?
I lay helpless on the ground, waiting for the horse butcher to come.
This absurd life is so ridiculous. My living situation is no different from the pigs in his pigsty.
No... to be precise, raising me is cheaper than raising pigs.
I only need three yuan a day to survive, but pigs can't.
Pigs need to be fat and white before they can be sold for money, but I don't need that.
As long as I have one breath left and am still a living woman, I will still be useful to him.
When the horse butcher lay on top of me and gasped for breath, I tried my best to say one sentence: "I can promise anything...can you let me go...?"
"It's impossible to let you go...it's not possible to specify..." He gasped and replied, "I have to lock you up for at least a few years...wait until the police can't find you..."
several years……?
Did I hear it wrong?
There are three hundred and sixty-five days in a year, right?
I've only been here twenty days and I'm already dying.
How many more years will I stay here?
"I will die..." I couldn't even shed tears, only my voice was choking, "You left me here... I will die... Don't you want me to be your mother-in-law? What if I die?" manage……?"
"You are my mother-in-law now!!" He said forcefully, "It doesn't matter if you die. Give me a baby before you die. If you give birth to a boy, I will let you die."
Such a life.
Exactly like what I imagined as a child.
"I promise...I promise you to have a baby..." I cried and said, "Can you let me out..."
"Stop dreaming, I will take you out when you give birth to a baby!"
Seeing him doing dirty things to himself made me feel completely hopeless.
He really wanted me dead.
I slowly hugged his neck, opened my mouth forcefully, and while he was forgetful, I bit his artery directly.
I want to kill him.
But I overestimated myself, and I had no strength at all.
My bite only hurt him, leaving deep tooth marks. I even felt my teeth loosening, but I still couldn't bite his throat.
He also whined and stood up, then started punching and kicking me.
I could clearly feel his foot kicking towards my abdomen, but I couldn't stop him at all.
I was definitely going to get hurt, my internal organs and my bones in this defenseless situation.
They will exacerbate my death.
The next day, I couldn't even get up, so I could only move on the ground with difficulty.
I was coughing up blood all the time.
Yesterday, the horse butcher sprinkled water on the ground here, but there is no drainage outlet here.
All kinds of excrement and dirt on the ground were mixed with the water, soaked in moldy hay, and filled with a crushing smell in the summer of July.
and I?
I couldn't stand up and I was swimming in sewage.
All the dirt is covered in my body, and now I am just a pig wallowing in mud soup.
I kept groping in the sewage, looking for my water and food today.
"Laidi, if you go to the city in the future, go to the police station and change your name as soon as possible."
A voice rang in my ears. It was my enlightenment, my teacher. She had a different name from all the girls in the village. She was not called Laidi, Zhaodi, Pandi, nor Erni or San. Ni, her name is Ning Waner.
That year, she and I were standing in front of the lake at the head of the village watching the sunrise.
"Why?" I asked.
"Although you are excellent, this name will bring you a lot of trouble." She sighed and said, "I hope you can live a better life and don't be trapped here all your life. You can choose yourself. life.”
At that time, I didn’t understand why, I was born inferior to others, but I could actually choose my own life?
"But... what do I want my name to be?"
"As long as you like it. Names are used to bless your own life, not the lives of others." The teacher coughed a few times and continued, "I hope you can be like the lake in the morning, and others will give you a touch of warmth. , you will reflect the dazzling sunshine, even if your bottom is dark and cold, you must repay the world with the gentleness like ripples."
At that time, I couldn't understand the teacher's words at all. I just saw her getting haggard.
Lake in the morning?
Thinking about it now, she must have been sick at that time.
Is she okay? Has she recovered?
Has she survived until now in good health?
When I was a child, I never thought of leaving my teacher’s contact information. As a result, after so many years, I could never find her.
"Laidi, I have heard a legend." The teacher looked at the lake and smiled at me calmly, "Everything in this world will live on in other forms after death."
"what does that mean?"
"If I die one day, I may become a grass, a tree, a bird, or a grass insect."
I feel that what the teacher said is very profound, but it is very interesting.
In other words...will not everyone in this world die?
If they die, they will become something else and live in this world forever in another form.
This sounds fair enough.
"I hope the teacher never dies." I said to her.
"Why?"
"Because no one in this world has been so kind to me." I looked at her eyes and felt like she wanted to cry, "Teacher, even if you become a bird, a grass insect or a stone, I don't want you to die. "
"Then the teacher knows." She smiled.
Teacher Ning said she would leave in three days, but she disappeared the next day.
I must have been anxious about something and returned to the city early.
