Guan Xi rarely sheds tears.
The 30-year-old Guan Xi only showed weakness for a moment. Her tears were sharpened into ice by life.
"Mom." Guan Xi made up his mind and spoke hoarsely, "Don't you understand yet?"
She looked at Guan Mu. She put her hands on her mother's shoulders and said gently, firmly and coldly: "Mom, you still have a father. You always say that you support me, but since 1999, you and your father have been laid off and have no income. What do you do to support me? Our family relies entirely on my 'selling points' to support us. Mom, I am actually in charge of our family."
She looked at Guan's mother's eyes, which were wide open in shock, and continued with a strong heart: "Mom, it's not me who needs you, it's you who need me."
Guan's mother had never heard Guan Xi say such blunt and harsh words. She was so shocked that she could only repeat in vain: "Xi Xi, why did you say that?"
Guan Xi avoided Guan's mother's gaze: "I have been able to live well on my own since I was a child. It's just that you don't want to believe it. You can't believe it."
Guan's mother wanted to say something else, but Jin's grandmother pushed Guan Xi. Guan Xi gritted his teeth and said, "Mom, if you do this again, I will go abroad."
Guan's mother was at a loss.
Guan Xi's voice was calm: "The world is so big. If I go out of the country and disappear, you can still find me? If you don't let me go, I will go out of the country and disappear. Is this what you want?"
Guan's mother opened her mouth, but Guan Xi interrupted her again: "Mom, I'm going to college or graduate school, and you secretly changed my aspirations, moved into my dormitory, drove away my friends, monitored me, and controlled me—— This is not love. Mom, you always say that I am your only achievement in this life. In fact, what you love is your only achievement, yourself. What you love is not me. "
Guan Xi has never said such direct and unpleasant words.
Guan's mother struggled to say: "Mom also went to college. Could it be that mom just makes you lose face and can't live in your university dormitory?"
Guan Xi simply said: "I don't want to."
"You are amazing." Guan's mother said after a long silence, "Mom is also a college student, and my mother is not as amazing as you."
Guan's mother has been proud of her status as a "college student" all her life.
Guan Xi lowered his eyes, clenched his hands, and finally said something more straightforward and ugly:
"Mom, your layoff was caused by the times, not by me. You studied well since childhood, became a class monitor, and went to college. You are very proud, and I am really proud of you. However, the economic crisis came and you were laid off. , you were unwilling to give in, you kept looking for a way out, and were forced to face setbacks. In the end, you had to pin all your successes and frustrations on me. I understand you, but - Mom, the ups and downs the times have given you should not become my The restraints. It’s not fair to me.”
This is a very serious statement.
Guan Xi never had the heart to tell such crude facts.
The pain and confusion of an entire generation should not be told with curiosity. The current wave of layoffs seems to be repeating yesterday's history. She understands her mother's pain and has been deliberately avoiding her pain.
Even if it can be avoided, the problem will not go away.
Guan's mother opened her eyes wide and her lips trembled. After a long time, she found her voice:
"Should I restrain you? I was a college student in the 1980s. I made so much contribution to the factory that I was laid off immediately. Xixi, do you know that back then, your grandma always took care of me and forced me to stay in school and become a teacher? , instead of going to the factory, I won’t be laid off, and my life will be rough.”
Guan Xi was silent.
Guan's mother said excitedly: "Mom has been through a lot of ups and downs, so I hope that your life will be smooth and stable. You have experienced turbulence, so I don't want you to experience these turmoils as well. My mother's original intention is not to restrain you, but to love you - even if No matter how hard you control it, even if you resent mom, mom is doing it for your own good."
Guan Xi said: "Mom, you don't love me, you don't want to do it."
Guan's mother opened her mouth, and finally said: "You have never been laid off, so what do you know?"
Have you never experienced being laid off?
So what is the current wave of layoffs?
How many people are unemployed, how many young graduates cannot find jobs and are thrown into the torrent of postgraduate and public examinations. How many mothers have difficulty returning to the workplace, is it just because of childbirth or because of disconnection? How has society ever given them a chance?
Some industries have disappeared, and some industries have collapsed. In the grand historical process, the fate of ordinary people is like a mayfly, living and dying in the tide of the times, without any control over it.
It’s not that Guan Xi doesn’t understand. But the language is always pale, and she can only remain silent.
The two were relatively speechless.
Grandma Jin spoke slowly: "Mrs. Guan, Guan Xi doesn't understand, but maybe I do. The times I experienced were also bumpy. But in life, turbulence is the norm, and stability is luck."
Mother Guan looked at Grandma Jin: "You..."
Grandma Jin spread her hands solemnly, with only three fingers left on her right hand: "Intellectual transformation, three anti-revolutionaries and five anti-reactions, anti-rightism and right deviation, the Great Leap Forward Revolution. In terms of turmoil, I have also been in turmoil throughout my life. I majored in roads and bridges. My lifelong dream is to be a bridge engineer, but as you can see, I don’t have such an opportunity in my life.”
Guan Xi asked on behalf of Guan's mother, "Are you willing?"
Grandma Jin’s expression didn’t change much. Under the hardships of life, she didn't even shed a tear and was as strong as a piece of ice.
She didn't say "willingly" or "unwillingly".
"I accept it," she said. "Times never apologize. We can't live with right or wrong. People are destined not to have everything go their way in this life. Mrs. Guan, who doesn't go through ups and downs? A grain of sand from the times becomes a mountain when it falls on a person's head. . But in fact, prosperity and suffering are all the same. Time passes like this, and life is just as if nothing happened and continue to live well."
Life is bound to have twists and turns. In the face of blows, some people go on tenaciously, while others are knocked down and broken into the dust of history.
Being knocked down is not a mistake, and being knocked down is not something to blame.
But people always want to live better.
The bright moon hangs high in the night sky. In the face of repeated human history, no matter good or bad, it remains the same forever, forever silent.
Light up people's faces, light up this land.
I don’t know who Jiang Yue is waiting for, but I see the Yangtze River sending water.
Grandma Jin turned to Guan's mother and said, "Mrs. Guan, time is our mother, and we are the daughters of time. Mother and daughter never apologize. Things just pass like that, and the problems don't have to be solved. We will treat everything as it is. It didn’t happen, just sleep and it’s a new day.”
She pushed Guan Xi gently: "Go and say goodbye to your mother."
…
How should people reconcile with the scars of the past, the sorrow of yesterday, and the mud of fate?
No solution.
A grain of sand in history becomes a mountain when it falls on a person's head. History only reflects, not apologizes. As for people, they have no choice but to accept: separation of love, reunion of resentment and hatred, and failure to seek what they want.
But life is not an answer sheet, and you can live without solving the problem. Wrap the scars, sorrow, and mud into a messy baggage, carry it on your shoulders, and then you can go on without looking back.
Guan Xi looked at Guan's mother and said, "I have activities tomorrow morning. Then I'll go back first. Mom, you...take care of yourself."
"Mom." Guan Xi took two steps back and said, "Goodbye."
Goodbye, mom.
At this moment, Guan Xi finally stopped obsessing about finding a solution, and no longer asked "why" and "why me."
Because there is no complete relief in life.
Life is just about saying goodbye to the past and moving forward.
…
More than 20 years ago, when Guan Xi was in elementary school, he was robbed of 50 yuan by a gangster. She was scared, but her mother beat and kicked her.
Guan Xi was heartbroken and refused to talk to her.
A few days later, Guan Mu left Shenyang. Her old classmate introduced her to a new job. She was in a hurry and it was out of town, and she had to make money.
The reason she had to make money was that the school her daughter attended for workers' children was too poor. She wanted to transfer her daughter to another school, which required a school selection fee of 30,000 yuan.
But she devoted her youth to the factory and bought out her seniority, which was far less than 30,000 yuan.
Flowers will bloom again, and people will never be young again.
Before leaving, she said goodbye to Guan Xi, remained silent for a long time, and said, "Xi Xi, if this job is successful, my mother will be away for a long time and only come back once a year."
Guan Xi ignored her.
At night, Guan Xi was lying on the bed, his thoughts were confused and he could not fall asleep. Guan's mother pushed the door open and came in. Guan Xi closed his eyes and pretended to sleep. Guan's mother looked at her for a long time, sighed, bent down and kissed her forehead.
Guan's mother left home and went to another city to work as a manager of a chemical warehouse.
Guan's mother left, and Guan Xi didn't miss her at all. Until one evening, someone knocked on the door. When Guan's father went to open the door, Guan Xi heard her mother's voice. She jumped up from the bed and saw only the laid-off female worker who came to borrow a wrench.
Misheard. she thinks.
There is no heating in the warehouse in winter. In a place where the temperature is more than ten degrees below zero, Guan's mother was reluctant to buy a thicker down jacket. She walked back and forth on the ground every day because of the cold, and mixed white wine with hot water to drink to keep out the cold. Three months later, her boss ran away and she went home frustrated without receiving her salary.
It snowed heavily that day, so Guan Xi walked to the station to pick her up.
Neither mother nor daughter apologized.
Problems don’t have to be solved to live. Life is a collection of problems piled on top of each other, shelved indefinitely. Get some sleep, tomorrow is a new day.
