Boom!
There were bursts of thunder, and several bright silver snakes suddenly swam across the dark sky outside the window.
Alvin rubbed his red and swollen face vigorously,
"When I was twenty years old, I left this house alone. It has been twenty-eight years now, and I have never come back to see Panon."
"I abandoned him."
Xilili——
The rain fell like crystal beads, and the dense rain curtain dyed the sky gray.
A few strands of coldness floated into the hall and slapped the three of them on their faces.
Bitingly cold.
Twenty-eight years!
Holden tightened his collar and sat up straight.
Dean frowned, it took so long.
This is considered to be a separation of old and dead. How did a pair of brothers, who were originally on a harmonious relationship, come to this point?
"It is indeed rare to not have contact with your brother for twenty-eight years." Holden was puzzled, "But why do you use 'abandon' such a heavy term? If I calculated correctly, you were both over twenty years old at that time, and you separated for your own sake. It’s not normal to struggle in work and life, so what does it mean to abandon someone?”
"Panon is not a normal person, not even a healthy person." Alvin lowered his head, with an uncontrollable tremor in his voice, and his shoulders trembled slightly, "He suffers from autism and is mentally retarded. .”
Boom!
Thunder roars!
The black sky was torn apart by silver snakes, and the white light of lightning illuminated three faces with different expressions.
Then the air suddenly stopped.
The confusion on Holden's face froze, and then he suddenly realized, and there was even a hint of intense interest in his eyes.
And the impression about this disease that he had known in his previous life flashed through Dean's mind.
Autism, or autism.
Those affected are usually children.
They are unable to communicate normally with the outside world, are easily stimulated, and generally have certain stereotyped and repetitive behaviors.
Dean thought about the hundreds of spiraling black circles in the house, and it made sense.
Alvin stared at the broken TV and recounted,
"Our mother died after giving birth to us. We lived with our father David. I discovered a strange phenomenon when I was five or six years old... Why was my brother different from normal people."
"He can't speak fluently. He always stumbles from word to word. Besides David and me, he never talks or plays with anyone else. He prefers to be alone."
"He always has all kinds of weird dreams and can't sleep at night. He sits on the bedside early in the morning and looks at me stupidly with a pair of dark circles under his eyes."
"He occasionally talks to himself in broken words in the air, as if there is something invisible hidden there..."
Alvin sighed,
"When David was a child, he was busy at work and didn't pay much attention to his different expressions. He just regarded him as introverted. But later the teacher discovered his abnormality and took him to the hospital for diagnosis. He was diagnosed with autism, but by then he had missed the most important thing. At the best stage of treatment, the doctor said, it will be difficult to improve again in the future."
"For several years, David took him to well-known children's hospitals across the United States and took him to receive diagnosis and treatment from psychological experts, but with little effect."
"He has never been able to communicate normally with outsiders, so he cannot go to school. Most of the time he stays at home and is taken care of by David. David trains him, guides him to write and read, changes his clothes, bathes him, and feeds him."
"David is like a hard-working carer who takes good care of every aspect of Panon's life and also takes care of his work."
"It's much more relaxed for me. I go to school alone, and when I get home, I can play football and play hide-and-seek with him."
The fleeting electric light outside the window showed the complicated smile on Alvin's face.
"But autism is very troublesome. Panon is constantly stimulated and cries like crazy, which makes people confused."
"He has a stubborn personality and has a lot of bad habits - for example, every time before he eats, he will use a pencil to draw a black spiral on the table or chair, and after eating, he will break or bend a wooden fork, so our family A lot of cutlery needs to be changed every once in a while.”
"Before he goes to bed, he must grab his red scarf and listen to a bedtime story, even though he is fourteen years old. If he doesn't agree, he won't sleep and will sit on the bed with his eyes wide open all night."
Dean patted his forehead as he listened. It was not just uncomfortable and painful to take care of such a person.
"Every time I come home from school, I must immediately play football with him. Otherwise, he will sulk against the big tree outside the house."
"He often loses his temper because of insomnia, and he always likes to talk to himself in the air and scare people."
"Panon's various unreasonable behaviors made my father and I physically and mentally exhausted and full of self-blame."
Alvin's expression was contradictory, happy and bitter at the same time.
Dean also tried to imagine it.
Having an autistic brother means losing the happy childhood of a normal child.
The father would definitely care and take care of the sick one more, while Alvin would be neglected and shoulder the burden of life prematurely.
A flash of sympathy flashed across Holden's face.
"But Panon also has many advantages. We must wait until David and I get home before we have dinner together."
"Every time we come back from a trip, he will give us a warm hug, letting us revel in the brief beautiful illusion - Panon's autism has been cured and we are free!"
"Another time, I still remember it vividly. I was walking with him on the road chatting. I was talking and he was listening. A speeding car was coming from the opposite direction. I didn't pay attention at first, but when I heard the horn blaring By the time the car was about to hit us."
"And do you know what Panon did?"
Alvin looked at the two of them excitedly,
"He neither made a sound to remind me, nor dragged me to the side to escape. He faced the car, opened his hands, and stood in front of me to protect me."
"How could my brother be so stupid? The car wiped his clothes and swerved, almost limping him."
Alvin smiled until the corners of his eyes turned red.
Dean nodded.
Look at it this way, although there are many things about the autistic brother that make people crazy, at least he knows how to protect his brother.
"Looking back now, the period from elementary school to junior high school should be the most unforgettable and happiest time in my life."
Alvin summed it up this way.
"But once a person grows up, his worries and desires also increase day by day."
Wow!
Rain as thick as oil washed the sky outside the house, but it could not wash away the haze in Alvin's heart.
"When I entered high school, I suddenly discovered that there were not only David and Panon in my life, but also classmates, teachers, women, and hobbies."
Alvin stared at the thunder and lightning outside the window and smiled bitterly.
"I can't remember how many times my friends invited me to go out for a ride after school. I was eager but had to refuse because Panon was waiting for me at home and my father also needed me to share his work."
"It's a rare day off. I can finally go to the streets and shopping malls to relax, but I have to bring Panon's oil bottle with me. Yes, after more than ten years of our company, his autism has finally improved. He You can barely maintain a normal state and go shopping on the street. But you must have someone to accompany you."
"Every time, he followed me closely and held on to my clothes."
Alvin's expression froze and he imitated bitterly,
"Hey, Alvin, who is this idiot, weirdo, and wretched guy following you?"
“My classmates and new friends always ask me this question over and over again.”
"Some would sympathize with me, and some would make fun of Panon and laugh at me. We fought with many people over this matter, but that couldn't change the reality. There was always a ghost-like brother around me. "
"Many of my friends said they understood me and sympathized with me, but in action they began to distance themselves from me."
Alvin smiled to himself.
"A middle school student, who would accept a person with a brother who is a fool and a freak? When I walk on the street, people often point at me."
…
"I am a normal person, good-looking, lively and cheerful, articulate, and mentally healthy. So when I was seventeen or eighteen years old, I was full of longing for the opposite sex, and I longed to date a girl. But they didn't even bother to look at her. Look at me."
"Because she couldn't accept Panon."
Alvin spoke every word, gritting his teeth,
"I'm the laughing stock of the whole school!"
…
Thump thump thump.
A violent heartbeat echoed in the hall.
In front of Dean's eyes, a pair of brothers who were discriminated against and looked down upon by their peers seemed to appear.
Alvin was silent for a long time and continued,
"I consider Panon family, I love him, and I always thought I would tolerate this."
"But I later discovered that there was always a thorn in my heart. It was not just because David kept accommodating Panon and protecting his brother, while treating my youngest son as a servant and completely ignoring my feelings. .”
"More importantly, Panon is just a lock, locking me tightly in an iron cage called 'Love and Home'!"
"As long as I continue to take care of this stupid brother, I will never be able to escape from the cage and contact the outside world!"
Boom!
There was thunder, and Dean's heart trembled.
Love and home.
What a beautiful word.
How could it be a prison?
…
"It wasn't until that year that this thorn finally pierced my flesh and blood and came out, causing me great pain!"
"David fell on his hospital bed from years of overwork."
"But before he died, he still held my hand tightly and begged me to take care of this brother forever and never abandon him."
"What saddens me the most is that David left all the hard-earned savings in his bank account to Panon, and repeatedly told me that I was a normal person and that I could make my own money."
Alvin's voice trembled, and strong sadness and disappointment appeared on his face.
"David never considered my feelings until he died, and never said a word to accommodate me."
"That's when I suddenly woke up."
"I am a complete slave."
"A tool to keep that idiot brother Panon alive!"
…
"Alvin..." Holden's lips moved, but he still swallowed the words of advice.
At this time, it's useless to say anything.
Let him vent to his heart's content.
"I gave in and dropped out of school."
Alvin sighed, his whole body seemed to have suddenly aged by more than ten years.
"From eighteen to twenty."
"For more than two years, I was in this house, taking care of Panon alone."
"I tried, paying someone to take care of him."
"But it's no use. Panon won't accept anyone outside of his family living in the house. Otherwise, he'll yell like a TV that never turns off."
"I sent him to a nursing home, but when I went to see him, his face was covered in bruises and his eyes were blind. Patients and caregivers were bullying him. I couldn't accept it, so I had to take him back. "
"Then he pestered me, asking me day after day where David was!"
"David!"
"David!"
Alvin's eyelids twitched and he nervously repeated a series of names.
"I've had enough! I'm exhausted and I want to change my life to a selfish one."
Alvin lowered his head and clasped his knees with his hands, his knuckles turning white.
"I dragged Panon forcibly and took him to the bank to withdraw money, write checks... and buy necessities for life. I repeated this process dozens of times, hundreds of times, a thousand times, and painfully trained him for a year until he finally learn."
"Then, September 28, 1952, I will never forget that day."
"After preparing food for Panon for a week, I left the house alone with a change of clothes and five hundred dollars from my bank account."
"I bought a ticket and went to Los Angeles."
Alvin's face showed a complex expression of pleasure and self-reproach.
"I abandoned my autistic brother, Panon, in his dream."
"Let him face this cruel world alone."
…
After a long narration.
Alvin took a deep breath.
The whole person collapsed backwards on the sofa and became a puddle of mud.
There was a relaxed expression on his sweaty face.
He revealed his true feelings and said what he had been holding in his heart for so many years.
He took off a heavy yoke.
And Holden and Dean exchanged a look.
No one spoke first.
Dean wanted to ask Alvin why he could be so cruel as to abandon such a brother who couldn't take care of himself.
But when he put himself into Alvin's situation.
He suddenly realized that maybe he would get rid of the "burden" at a faster speed, and it would take less than two years.
He had never experienced the pain of taking care of a patient, and he was not qualified to morally kidnap Alvin.
"Alvin, look, I don't think you need to blame yourself too much."
"Your only mistake is that you haven't visited Panon for too long. You should keep in touch with him."
Alvin lay tired and didn't respond.
"Man, I don't understand." Holden asked, "What has Panon been doing for a living in the past twenty years?"
"The account I left him contains most of my father's life savings. If he saves a little money, it will be enough for him to use until he is fifty or sixty years old."
"That's very thoughtful. You have fulfilled your responsibilities as a brother. Panon did survive for so many years with this savings, until five years ago."
Holden nodded and asked again,
"Is it because you are afraid that you have never dared to come back? Are you afraid to face the brother you abandoned?"
Alvin nodded heavily.
"For a long time, abandoning Panon was my inner demon, a forbidden area that I tried to avoid even thinking about."
"Then why are you suddenly coming back to see him now?"
"People change."
Alvin repeated what Dean said,
"When I was in my twenties, I was like a bird out of a cage, free, happy, and full of energy..."
"With my good eloquence, I found a good job in Los Angeles. I no longer have to cook and wash clothes for my autistic brother every day, play football games with him tirelessly, correct his mistakes, and endure his stubbornness. and bad habits.”
“I feel lighter than I have ever felt, more hopeful every day, and I have completely forgotten about Panon.”
"But when I got married, thirty years old, and started a happy family, I couldn't help but think of every bit of life with Panon. The pain, grievances, and fatigue all turned into wonderful things. remember."
"I began to feel guilty for my original selfishness, but I didn't dare to face him. It seemed like there was an invisible wall between us that I couldn't get over..."
"After I turned forty, my career took a turn for the worse. I went bankrupt, my house was foreclosed, my wife left, and I took to the streets. I suddenly had more free time to reflect on this ridiculous life."
"I began to miss my only relative in the world. I spent countless days and nights repenting for my past behavior of abandoning him. I was so regretful that I couldn't sleep."
Alvin rubbed his upper right abdomen with a distorted expression.
"I asked myself repeatedly, if I had not abandoned Panon and walked away, would my brother and I have a better and brighter life?"
"The older you get, the more you realize the preciousness of family ties." Dean suddenly interjected,
Alvin nodded desperately,
"Unfortunately, I understood too late. I have become a penniless vagabond. How can I have the nerve to see my brother again and disturb his life? Am I going to beg for help from such a poor man like him?"
"It wasn't until a hospital in Los Angeles did a free physical examination for homeless people and I got the test report that I made up my mind——"
Alvin paused, and there was a moment of suffocating silence in the room.
"I don't have time, you two."
Dean looked at his face and asked,
"I guess that's not your old problem. What is it?"
"The cancer is in the advanced stage and the cancer cells have spread throughout the body. I have at most half a year left."
"I couldn't accept this terrible result at first. I tried every means and went to three hospitals for medical examinations, but they all sentenced me to death."
The lightning outside the window illuminated Alvin's red eyes, and every word in his mouth seemed to contain determination to risk everything.
"Before the disease completely defeats me, I have only one last wish, to meet my brother Panon."
"I want to confess and apologize to him. It doesn't matter if he refuses to forgive me and hates me as much as he did in the dream and wants to kill me."
"Just to see him again."
"I agree to anything."
