"Our only goal is to help our pioneers, and by doing so, help humanity!"
——"Th
ee Swipes》artificial intelligence companion
Accepted to Cybe January 2022
sta
Interview
***
I glared at the vending machine. "Are you serious?" I asked.
Lucy shrugged. She was leaning on a cane with one hand and leaning against the machine in front of her with the other. "Look," she said, poking at the screen next to the machine. She selected something from the top shelf, some sort of white bread sandwich, probably stale and reeked of preservatives, but still tasted good.
Once the connection to her equipment was complete, the screen flashed.
Transaction accepted!
"Okay?" I asked.
Transaction declined!
The machine remains quiet. Lucy made a fist and looked as if she was going to hit the damn thing, but she held back. This is probably for the best. More expensive vending machines have hidden tear gas sprayers to provoke vandals and the like.
"Even my credits were taken away!" Lucy said.
I sighed. It's odd to be more concerned about a bad sandwich stuck in an indifferent machine than an actual alien invasion, but it also has nothing better to do. Mary is right about children needing a break. It looked like they were each lining up to pee while Mary and the bald guy and the jock looking guy staked out around the nearest hallway.
"Want me to try?" I asked.
"You have more credits than me?" she asked.
I shrugged. "I have..." I frowned. "About a big chunk? A little less than that on my account. That's enough, huh." I glanced at the price of the sandwich and paled. "That's enough for one of them. Damn. You tried twice?"
"Three times," Lucy said.
"say to me. I stared at the ID badge on the front of the machine, waiting for my gear to finally tell me I wanted something from it.
I believe I will make it a priority to encourage you to upgrade some equipment.
"Why?" I asked.
Lucy winked at me. "Is it effective?"
"Eventually," I said. "I'm talking to Mialis. The, uh, samurai AI lives in my head."
Lucy smiled. "Say hello for me!"
Please reply with greetings.
"She...it's saying hello," I said. My glasses are finally connected to the vending machine. I poked at the floating image of a button on the front panel and looked at my end of the transaction connection. The little counter on my credit account told me I spent 800CR on some shoddy food.
Transaction accepted!
"Hey, this-"
Transaction declined!
I glared at the two words floating an inch from the undoubtedly expensive holographic display. "That's not cool," I said.
I can help!
"Can you help? How about that?"
"Mialis want to help? Oh, tell her I think her name is beautiful," Lucy said.
I glared at her, but her enthusiasm blocked my view and did nothing. She's more excited about the whole brain-AI thing than I am. This may not seem like a big deal. Samurai... are generally crazy. Yeah, maybe I should have been a little more worried.
Tell Lucy that her name is at the top of the list of attractive names. Additionally, I can help you by contacting the machine's internals and freeing its contents. This is a free service!
"She said your name was ugly as sin," I said.
"Wow, she's so nice!" Lucy said. Then she reached up and pinched my cheek. "But you're not." Don't lie for poor Mialis. She shouldn't be trapped in your head. "
I shook her hand away. "Asshole," I said.
"No, you," she shot back immediately.
I shook my head and nodded toward the machine. "Have fun," I said. "And, uh, hacking into things is always a free service?"
It's just something I'm capable of doing. Since my purpose is to help you, it makes sense that I help when I can. Nor can you afford the more nutritious foods available in my catalog. Until then, this food will suffice.
“You’re such a gem,” I said.
Technically, I'm more of a super dense carbon wafer. But I'm a bit of a gem, so I accept compliments gracefully.
The vending machine spins up and starts spitting out everything from the bottom shot. I raised my eyebrows as more and more food piled onto the tray.
"Oh my gosh, it's gonna jam!" Lucy said, before kneeling down to empty the machine. The other machines in the dock, one filled with soda and eighteen different flavors of tap water, all began spitting out bottles and cans. The children who finished had already rushed over with joy.
I was about to praise Myalis when the machine screen in front of me flashed and the bored face of an Asian man in his thirties appeared. "Please put all items on the defective machine aside until Chillmaste
The representative can repair the machine. Any items taken from this unit will be considered theft and will be subject to Chiimaste
Full punishment from the legal and paralegal defense team. "
"Is this thing alive?" I asked.
"Yes," the man said. "Are you the perpetrator of this crime? Please identify yourself for the record."
"Yeah, no. You're not going to get any representation here. Alien invasion and all that. Should be on the news."
"Even in an extreme emergency, deleting content from our machines without --" is still a violation of our Terms of Service. "
I glared at the machine and pulled out my T
e
chMaste
. I guess what they mean by hammer and nails is that hitting things with a hammer sometimes works.
"Is there a discount for Angry Samurai?" I asked. "Because I don't know if anyone has ever invented a gun that shoots people through a camera, but I'm willing to give it a try."
The man was stunned for a moment, then looked away. There was a click of a tactile keyboard, and his eyes widened. "Ah, please forgive Chillmaste, Miss Samurai. Your intrusion software did not claim to be yours. Please treat the contents of this and any other machine as Chillmaste
of free samples and please consider doing business with us in the future. "
The image blinked away.
"What?" I asked.
"Did you just scare that guy into giving us free stuff?" Lucy asked. Since she was still chewing the sandwich, the result was garbled.
I stared at my gun, then at the vending machine. "I guess?"
"We should go shopping," Lucy said.
“An apocalyptic alien invasion is happening,” I said.
"You just don't like shopping," Lucy retorted. "Ask Mialis if he likes shopping."
I do.
"No," I said. "I...you're going to make sure the kids have food and stuff. I'm going to go scout out the front. Like I'm supposed to do before anyone asks for help getting a sandwich."
Lucy actually had the decency to look mortified, and then she ruined that by gesturing towards me with her sandwich as if it was a peace offering. Puppy eyes don't help.
"I'm leaving before the nun tells me I'm not good at my new job." I turned around and said. I snatched a can of soda from the nearest imp and stomped away.
I cringed after taking a few steps. This is diet.
