We drove for several hours, a series of trees passing us as Ben drove down a cracked street and the sidewalk was overgrown with weeds. I changed seats to try to get more comfortable. Ben kept humming along to the music coming from the radio.
I have so many thoughts,
I want to know if the police have been to my house. I wonder if they found Oliver and Colin's bodies. Did Ben leave any evidence? But he wore gloves throughout.
A wave of nausea washes over me when I think of Bethany. He must have killed her too. She may never have let him go to Oliver's house after their fight.
I looked at Ben. One of his hands was still on my thigh and the other on the steering wheel. He tapped his fingers to the beat of the music. I can't see his gun, he must be carrying one. The way he flipped from gleeful to pointing a gun at our temples made me realize how messed up he was.
But now I have to keep him happy so he doesn't end our lives.
I took his hand off my thigh. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. I held his hand with my fingers and held our hands with my other hand. I put our hands in my lap and he smiled.
"Is anyone going to find us?" I asked.
He said. "At least not yet."
"What's wrong Bethany?" He squeezed my hand tighter.
"She has to go," he said. "But don't worry. I made it painless."
He bit his lower lip. His grip on my hand loosened slightly, but was still tight enough to make my knuckles ache.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
"Yes," I said.
If he stopped to let us get our food, that meant there would be people around us. I could sneak into the bathroom, I could call the police. I wanted to start screaming in the middle of the restaurant and maybe Ben would shoot and kill multiple people, including ourselves.
"I'm looking for a motel," he said.
"Motel?" I asked.
"It was getting late and I needed to make a plan," he said. “I had an idea, but I needed to make it concrete.”
"what is it?"
"Don't worry, I'll take care of us."
I wanted to know how he was doing, but I didn't want to make him angry.
He drove for about thirty minutes when he saw a sign for a motel and took the off-ramp. He drove down a street with only gas stations and a few fast-food restaurants.
"This must be a rest stop," Ben said. "Perfect."
He pulled into the parking lot of a small two-story motel. The red paint on the building is peeling. There were only four cars left in the parking lot. There is an underground pool filled with leaves at the edge of the parking lot. A barbed wire fence surrounds it. There were a few cracked plastic chairs around the pool. The Oasis Motel is open sign on the other side of the parking lot. Under the motel's name, a sign said there was free parking, a swimming pool and color TV. This place certainly hasn't been upgraded since the sixties.
"Let's go." Ben said after parking the car.
"Do you want me to go in with you?" I asked.
"Of course," he said. "However, it's better for me to speak."
He got out of the car and hurried to my side. As soon as I climbed out of the car, he grabbed my hand. He held my hand and walked toward the hall. I could see through the large window a young woman sitting behind the desk. She held a book in her hand and chewed a piece of gum loudly. Two small bells jingled as Ben opened the door. The woman looked up.
"Hello," she said.
"Hey." Ben raised his lips and showed a charming smile. "We wanted a room for the night."
"Okay." She turned around and looked at the series of keys hanging on the cork board behind her.
"Is room 16 still available?" Ben asked. "Sorry," she said. "I'll give you the room on the 20th. It costs eighty yuan a night."
Ben let go of my hand. I curled my fingers into balls to resist the temptation to rip my glasses off. If I took my glasses off, Ben would kill this girl. He took his wallet out of his pocket. When he opened it, I saw a pile of green bills. Ben took out some and handed them to the girl.
"Perfect," the girl said as she put money into the register. "Can you sign the register? The owner is a very old-fashioned man and very opinionated."
She flipped through a big book and walked around to the opposite side of us. Ben picked up the pen and signed the book. I squinted my eyes, trying to read what Ben had written. I couldn't see clearly through those thick black lenses, but I knew Ben wouldn't be stupid enough to write his real name.
"Come on, Courtney," Ben said, picking up the keys from the table. "Let's go get our luggage."
Before I could say anything, he pulled me out of the hall. He called me Courtney, confirming my suspicions that he was using a fake name. We took our luggage out of the trunk and walked up the metal stairs to our room. Ben unlocked the door and turned on the light. The room was filled with mismatched furniture. The bed has a large wooden frame covered with red floral patterns. There is a green lamp on the bedside table. There was a small table in the corner with a chair on either side. The brown carpet had some spots and faded to gray. Ben placed his duffel bag on the table.
"Would you like something to eat?" Ben asked.
I nodded. Ben slid the backpack off my shoulders. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close to him. I put my hands on his chest to keep the distance between us. He leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my head so his lips brushed my cheek. His fingers curled around my waist.
"Are you mad at me?" he asked.
"I want to go home," I said.
"I told you, we can't visit your family," he said. “But we’re going to build our own home together.”
Ben leaned forward again and pressed his lips to my cheek. He let his lips linger for a few more seconds. I bit my lip.
"Are you okay with hamburgers?" he asked. I nodded and Ben's grip on me relaxed.
I was quiet as we left the motel and walked down the street. We stopped at the first fast food restaurant we came across. Ben ordered our food and paid with cash. While eating, I watched the sunset through the window.
When we left, it was dark outside. I expected Ben to start walking back to the motel, but he continued walking down the street. I followed him as he walked into the gas station. Ben bought some snacks and a map.
When we got back to the hotel room, Ben opened the map on the small table. He rummaged through his backpack and grabbed a pen. He sat in a chair and stared at the map.
"Go get ready for bed," he told me. "There's shampoo and a toothbrush in the duffel bag."
I rummaged through the bag and gathered the toiletries. Ben stuffed all my clothes into a backpack. I rummaged through but found only clothes and underwear. I looked back and saw Ben hovering somewhere on the map.
"I don't have pajamas, I must have forgotten them," he said. "Wear mine now."
I took out a black T-shirt from his bag.
I turned on the shower and waited for it to warm up. I put my hand into the water every moment, and the water felt cold. I gritted my teeth as I stepped under the water. I washed my hair as quickly as possible. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the grime gathering on the tiles beneath my feet.
A rough towel wrapped around myself scratched my skin. I combed my hair back and braided it. I changed into my underwear and put on Ben's shirt. My wet hair soaked through the back of Ben's T-shirt.
I walked out of the bathroom and saw Ben wearing a pair of sweatpants. He wasn't wearing a shirt, so I could see dark spots scattered across his skin. He handed me the glasses. I put them on and the world comes into focus again. A smile spread across Ben's lips and he kissed my temple.
""where are we going? "I asked.
"Yes, Bethenny has a cabin in Muskoka," he said. "We'll drive there and then maybe we can continue north. Maybe into Canada?"
"That means we can stop in Ottawa."
Ben took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. He knelt before me and took my hand.
He said. "If we go to them, they'll take you away from me."
"No!" I interrupted him. "You have no idea how hard this is. You killed your family."
I took my hands off Ben. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. He put his hands on my knees. I watched him swallow the lump forming in his throat.
"I don't want to kill them," he said, speaking in a low voice.
"Then why did you do that?" I asked.
“My sister is four years older than me,” he said. "We were very close as kids but that changed when we got older. When I was about eight she started touching me. At first she told me it was a game and I couldn't tell anyone, so I didn't. That one... lasted several years."
Ben's voice was hoarse. My hands were clasped against my chest, but I wanted to reach out and comfort him. His fingers curled tighter into my knees. He took a deep breath before continuing. "I told her to stop, but she didn't," he said. "This kept happening throughout high school. She would come into my room at night or get in the shower with me."
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" I asked.
"I was so embarrassed," he said. "Men don't get raped."
"Yes, they did."
"Well, no one believes that."
Ben couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. "I kept this a secret for years," he said. "I just prayed this would stop. I applied to colleges outside the city hoping to get out of this mess. But I didn't get in.
Ben took a sharp breath and started sobbing. He rested his head on my thigh and wrapped his arms around my waist. His tears flowed across my skin. My hands left my chest. I put one hand on his back and ran the other through his hair. This made Ben cry harder and I could feel his body shaking with every sob. Tears welled up in my eyes. I've never seen anyone break down like this. Ben admits some horrible things he's been suppressing for years, and now he's a mess.
“I was in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher one morning,” he said.
"Gabby started grabbing me and I asked her to get off me. She just laughed and kept doing it. Something broke off me and I had a dishwasher knife in my hand. I just started stabbing Hurt her. Gabby's scream woke me up." Mom got up. She walked into the kitchen and saw all the blood. She started screaming and trying to hit me with her fists and take the knife out of my hand. I wanted to tell her, but I knew she wouldn't believe me. She went to get the phone and I knew I had to kill her or I would spend the rest of my life in jail. "
I blinked, a tear rolling down my cheek. I took my hands away from Ben's hair and wiped away the tears. Ben looked up at me. His eyes are red and his face is pale. I cupped his face in my hands and wiped away his tears with my thumbs. Ben stood up from his knees and pushed me onto the bed. He lay down and pulled me to his chest. He sniffed and rested his cheek on the top of my head.
"I never wanted my mom to die," he said. "I love her so much. Sometimes I wish we both died so we could be with her. She would love you."
