Um, hello?
I don’t know how to start. I rarely write anything after graduation. I didn’t expect that the first letter in my life would be written under such circumstances. Well, well...
No matter what, you see, as you always say, everything will be fine, right?
I think you should have just finished your work now. I guess you are now exhausted from the procedures after the death of those people. You are lying on the gray sofa at home that has not been washed for a long time, touching your belly and dazing. If nothing else, Your hands will unconsciously grab the sawdust under the armrest, and then you will feel a piece of paper stuck between the sofa cushion and the armrest, and then, da da ~
I just showed up.
Or maybe you discovered the letter I wrote?
I'm not quite sure how to write it, I'm a science student, you know.
All in all, everything will be fine.
Hmm...well...
How to put it...
We have known each other for about twenty-one years?
My earliest memory about you is that one night, probably when I first learned to walk, you quietly took me out of the bedroom and ran to the woods behind the yard to find something to eat.
I remember that it was a cloudy day, and the dark clouds covered the moon. You held my hand, and I listened to the rustle of your grandma-made cloth shoes on the dirt road. I remember we walked a long way, and then you let go Open my hand and leave me for a while.
When you came back, my mouth suddenly felt a little sweet and sour.
Many years later, you and I returned to our hometown. When we saw the woods behind the old house, we realized that they were blueberries.
Sour and sweet.
That night, after the moon came out, I remembered your face.
Your hair is so short and you are so small.
Many things are actually easy to explain. You may have found something while dealing with the pile of documents about me, or looking through the wardrobe I left behind. You may think more about it, and you may think of the loved ones we lost not long ago. You may think of many things, but you have to understand that what I don't want you to know is not important.
I'm fine, I'm just a little tired and a little selfish, and then I can't convince myself anymore, saying, the days to come are still very long, there will always be times when I'm not bored, and then you just live a good life, everything will be fine. .
You actually taught me these words. Every time I talk to myself in my head, I imitate your tone.
You are actually a very cold person.
You never told me what you did today. Of course, you would make me laugh, pretend to be self-righteous, and kill my pain like a clown. You almost never asked me or said you were worried. What, what should we worry about at this moment, or what should we consider at this moment.
You always say "everything will be fine".
You didn't lie to me.
Our life is really good now. We live in a very big and very high building. We eat different food every day. We don’t even have to cook by ourselves. We just move our fingers and enjoy countless delicacies. Will be delivered to your doorstep by complete strangers.
You still have a car, and I can have one if I want.
We can go anywhere we want.
We are really happy now. Although a lot of things happened in the past few years, I know that life, old age, illness and death are normal, and I can let go.
So, about my choice.
I think you know something too, but you just don't want to admit it.
You hope so much that I can have a normal life.
You don't even want me to feel sorry for you.
In fact, I was never the one who was sick, but I really couldn’t bear to expose the countless ties between us, including any piece of window paper.
We really have a good life. If there are no problems on my side, we will get married and have children. In a few decades, we will definitely be able to have a big family with four generations living under one roof.
In fact, between you and me, there are actually some things that we can talk about more than ten years later while sitting around the table and talking about it with a smile.
But, how should I put it...
I remember when we were in class, you taught me that if I get stuck in writing, just click a few ellipses, then start a new line, write something insignificant, and then think about it slowly.
Quite useful.
I have no choice.
I really have no choice. If I want to, I really want to stay with you again.
But I really have no choice.
You see, our story is actually quite tragic compared to others, right?
In my life, you have played three roles: father, mother, and brother. Knowing that my grandma’s pension could not support me in college, you entered society early at an age when others were eating, drinking, and having fun. You are very thin, and I I remember that you became a network administrator on the day you turned eighteen. At that time, your monthly salary was 2,500 yuan. That month, the exam papers I tutored cost you 800 yuan, and then my food expenses, and then each Monthly water, electricity, and gas. I know you told grandma that you didn’t have the ability to save enough for my tuition before I go to college. You said, let’s try to save money as much as possible so that she won’t be under too much pressure. .
Later, you went to learn to repair cars, go to factories, and go to restaurants. You learned a lot of things. I remember one time, I just didn't see you for two months, and you had a lot of calluses on your hands.
I asked you what you had done, but you were always the same as before, denying many things with a smile, and then continued your life entirely for others.
You've never been shy about saying what you're worried about.
You worry that I don’t have enough money, you worry that I will be bullied, you worry that I don’t have enough to eat, you even worry that I look pretty, you worry that I don’t play enough, you worry that I am too addicted to studying.
You became my father when it came to what I would do in the future.
When it comes to my basic necessities, you become my mother.
When it comes to my joys and sorrows, you have become my brother again.
If possible, I wish you were just my brother.
If we had a normal family in the beginning, wouldn't I have to write this letter to you?
I didn't want to come back to this small city, but here you are.
I originally thought that after seeing the world outside, I would have new ideas about my future.
I remember a certain period of time when you were inexplicably worried about my future, so much so that you would mutter a few words about anything you saw on the Internet. During that time, I was a lawyer who was being squeezed by your nagging. The pediatrician who died of overwork and the accountant who was dumped were depressed every day, and it took a long time for them to recover.
I should have told you, right?
When I was in college, I met all kinds of people.
Some of them went to serve as soldiers, some went to work abroad, and some returned home to inherit the family business.
Among them, the senior sister I have the best relationship with showed me photos of her travels around the world.
I have also seen golden waterfalls and boundless trees on the Internet, but when I know the people around me, they are also real. After seeing those scenery in real life, I have new ideas.
On the eve of graduation, my senior sister who had graduated for a year asked me to go see the sea first.
I remember telling you that I like the sea.
But when I bought the ticket, I thought of you, I thought I hadn't seen you for a long time, and I thought I just heard your voice in the morning.
I miss you so much.
I, I miss you, I shouldn’t miss you so much.
But I can't help but miss you so much.
So I gave up the sea and chose you.
Then I realized that when I saw those scenery, I was not thinking about their beauty, but I was thinking that you have never seen such beauty.
In fact, originally, it was just a sign, some clues, a, well...a hazy thing, I couldn't tell what it was.
You actually know it, I believe, you actually know it.
When I was eleven or twelve and you were fifteen or sixteen, we were still crowded in that crowded low-rent house. In winter, we were separated by two layers of quilts. When I held your hand, I thought, you must know of.
But what's your fault?
I believe that matter determines consciousness, so when we can barely afford to eat, how can we take care of the unusual intimacy that arises between us because the room is too crowded and we have to be together?
But what's wrong with me?
There are only two people I care about in the world, and I am busy with studies, exhausted, and extremely defensive. How can I not rely on you, and how can I distinguish between them? Even my psychiatrist can’t break it down. What about emotions?
I can't help it.
I have no choice and I don't want to choose.
You see, you are actually not wrong.
You see, after careful analysis, I was actually not wrong.
I have analyzed it calmly, almost coldly, many times. Today, yesterday, the day before yesterday, and countless nights in the past few years, before I went to bed, I had already decided on our destination and future plans.
Many times, I can only barely fall asleep thinking about our future.
In my imagination, we have a bookstore, a small nest, and if the plan goes well, we will also have a black kitten. I will like that cat very much. I know I am lazy, so you are probably responsible for It's all about it.
We will raise a few pots of orchids and you will be responsible for watering them.
We will buy a new house and I will decorate it this time.
We will have a new life, new friends, and new jobs.
Of course, that cat may turn into a dog, and those pots of orchids may also turn into pots of cacti out of trouble. We have the same aesthetics. Either you or I will probably turn that house into what a grandma would say. Gray and white mourning hall.
But no matter what, we will always have a better life.
Because you said everything would be fine.
Although you hide a lot of things from me, you never lie to me, so if you say that everything will be fine, then I believe that everything will be fine.
But, she's gone.
Her health had deteriorated over the years, and I was certainly prepared to let her go.
But when I really knelt in the mourning hall, kneeling in front of her, watching the people she knew coming and going to mourn her, I looked at you, the person who was closest to her, who had known her for the longest time, and who should have been the saddest. Standing there, being polite and acknowledging, while running to me, telling some jokes, and forcing out a fake smile, and then going back, without looking at the lying person for a second, I suddenly thought.
If you died before me, if you were like her, lying in front of me, cold and paying no attention to anyone.
I'm sorry, really, I'm sorry.
But I was really frightened. This thought made my skin stand on end. This was different from those ghost stories. No matter how I deceived myself, you were just a normal, fragile, mortal person.
I can accept that any of my relatives, friends, or lovers I may have in my long life will leave me, but for you, I can't help it, I really can't help it, I'm sorry, but I really There's nothing I can do about it, I only have you, there's nothing I can do about it.
I, I struggled for a long time, but, you see, no matter how rational and smart I am, you always say that I am smart, but I, but I, but I don’t care, no matter how smart I am.
But I, even if you let me, don’t love you that much.
Yes, yes, I wrote so many words just to say this.
I love you.
The wife who loves her husband the most most in the world, and the sister who loves her brother the most in the world, cannot love you even one ten thousandth of the way I love you.
So, it really hurts me.
I think that one day you will die, and my heart feels like a knife.
I want to die before you, but I also think that you are the only one left. If I die first, how painful it will be for you.
Afraid of losing you.
Afraid that you will lose me.
The two pains pulled me repeatedly, and I tried to find a balance. I tried, I tried to deal with this problem rationally and calmly, but, you see, this is different from the difficult problems in mathematics.
Pain has no answers.
You see, I am fully aware of my predicament and the causes of my predicament.
But the clearer I became, the more painful it became for me.
So I really have no choice, I'm afraid of losing you.
But if I die, how uncomfortable will it be for you?
But you never buy yourself new clothes. If I leave, who will buy you new clothes?
What would you eat every night if I wasn't here? If I'm not at home, you will just eat instant noodles for convenience, but if I never come home, what on earth will you do?
What should I do?
I really hurt, brother, I really hurt.
I take sleeping pills every night to fall asleep. As long as I dream, I dream about you. I dream about you leaving. I dream about me kneeling there. I dream about me not even knowing how to fake a smile. You have so many friends. There must be a lot of them, how can I cope with them?
I really hurt, I can't help it, really, I can't help it, I'm sorry, but I don't want to say too many sorry to you, I don't want to say too many sorry to you at the end, I want to say that I love you, but Do I really love you?
I'm in so much pain that I can't help it. I really can't help it. You know that, you know that right?
I thought about you sitting alone in such a big room after I left, but then I thought about you lying there motionless. I felt like my heart was about to burst. I really, really couldn't find even one. Any one, specific direction.
all in all.
all in all.
all in all.
I love you.
The love that all wives have for their husbands.
The love that all sisters have for their brothers.
The love of all friends for friends.
It’s not as good as me treating you, one in a billion.
