It's strange to say that this is obviously a letter addressed to myself, but I don't have the heart to read it carefully. It’s not that I have a bad habit of snooping into other people’s letters, but because even if I don’t read them carefully, I can guess what Mother Meng said to me.
Sure enough, the content of the letter was quite polite in tone, but the entire text only conveyed one spirit, that is, the Meng family did not welcome religious elements like me who were contrary to Marxism-Leninism and "Das Kapital". Meng Dongxue has the possibility of reaching the end, and I also hope that I will understand my parents' painstaking efforts and ask me not to continue to pester Meng Dongxue.
If I had read this letter before today, I think I would have been very angry. Because when you deny a person in advance before you really get to know him or her, it is very disrespectful, regardless of whether I am a stickman or not. Isn’t that what a person needs in his whole life? Dignity? But when I saw it today, I didn’t feel angry. Instead, I felt disappointed and sad. What’s disappointing is that I am still a feudalist who is not accepted by most people, just like the time I was knocked down. The sad thing is because of Meng Dongxue. Even though Meng's mother said so much, the final decision is always in Meng Dongxue's hands, and now it seems that she has made her choice.
The letter that Meng's mother wrote to me was only half a page, but the remaining page was written by Meng Dongxue on another piece of paper. But just one sentence:
"I won't forget you, but I'm sorry."
There is no title, no signature, no date, and I don’t know what her Chinese teacher taught her. She doesn’t even know how to write a letter.
So I just picked up the piece of letter Meng Dongxue left for me, folded it in half several times, and put it into my pants pocket. Then I tore into pieces the two letters that Meng’s mother wrote to Meng Dongxue and me.
That night, I didn't eat, and Aunt Xu didn't come to ask me to eat. I just sat silently in Meng Dongxue's room without even turning on a light, missing my ignorant love in the darkness. Originally, I had thought about going to Meng Dongxue's home to find her, but now I gave up this idea. It is said that love needs to be fought for and retained, but all this seems to be meaningless to me at the moment. I think there may be no chance to see her again in the future, and she will probably not come to me again. After leaving me, she There can be a broader world and more future possibilities. From this perspective, I sincerely hope so.
But Meng Dongxue, you have always told me that the love you long for should be upright and pure, noble and flawless, but in the end what you left me was a shameful path that I had to continue on.
That night, around three or four in the morning, I fell asleep unknowingly. When I woke up, I found myself lying on a brown mat. I recalled Meng Dongxue’s smile standing in the rice field that appeared repeatedly in my dream. The appearance repeated itself countless times, each time being a little further away than the last time until it was no longer visible. I tried to reach out and grab it in my dream, but I couldn't reach it.
But I deny that I cried in my dream, but I don’t know why the brown mat got wet.
I have lost my love and my life will continue to go on. Otherwise, in my opinion, it is a lackluster performance, and I will look down on myself because of it. But for a long time after that, although Aunt Xu and Uncle Zhou had been teaching me carefully, saying things like "There is no grass anywhere in the world", I was always a little absent-minded and confused. The scariest thing is that I started smoking.
The smell of smoke is very unpleasant, but every deep breath I take into my lungs brings a sense of stimulation to my chest. This stimulation can wake me up and allow me to temporarily forget about Meng Dongxue and continue walking.
Half a year after Meng Dongxue left, there was no news at all, not even a letter to Aunt Xu and Uncle Zhou. Maybe it's because she knew I was still here, so she didn't write a letter to express my greetings. It seems like this is a complete break. I was just sad, but not hopeful. However, in March 1970, some young people returning to the village from the city happily told everyone that the armed struggle in the city had begun to hand over guns to the People's Liberation Army troops. This meant that the political atmosphere had begun to gradually relax, so I thought, maybe, it was time for me to leave the village.
Although Aunt Xu and Uncle Zhou kept trying to stay, I decided to go out and try my best. There has been no news from Master for nearly a year, and even Dr. Mo has not been able to find out. I am still a little worried. But I promised Aunt Xu and Uncle Zhou that if I had the opportunity in the future, I would come back to visit them often. I also left the address of Mo Lang’s Chinese medicine shop and the address of Meng Dongxue’s home, telling them if they need to find me if they need anything, and I’m not here. If so, you can tell Mr. Mo and ask him to bring me a message. As for Meng Dongxue's address, she asked the two old people to tell her that I have left the village and wanted to get to know each other. If she is free, please also ask her to come back and see the villagers and see how the two of them have taken care of us. A long time old man.
Before leaving, I packed up the things I had packed in the village over the years, then went to my master’s grave, kowtowed three times, and left the village. This village I had lived in for more than three years, but the next stop should be Where, I have no idea.
So I could only go back to Master's house for the time being. Since the door was locked, I had to pick the lock and enter the house. Fortunately, the neighbors all know who I am, otherwise they might have reported me to the police if they saw me picking the lock. Until the late autumn of 1970, I lived there, barely making ends meet with the help of a few orders introduced by Dr. Mo from time to time. I still lived a hazy life, and Da Mao often came to eat and drink with me, but my addiction to smoking became more and more serious that year.
One day in late autumn, Master has disappeared for almost two years. There is no news at all, and he has never written a letter to the village or Dr. Mo. However, when I send messages to Master through Dr. Mo, my messages always come to nothing, so I decided to go to Hubei to find that senior Qin. Because I feel that if the master has not come back for so long, then he must have found Senior Qin, otherwise there is no reason to stay in a place where no one can be found for so long.
So I asked Dr. Mo for the address of Senior Qin. He knew that I was worried about Master, so he readily gave it to me. But he also told me that he didn't dare to ensure that someone could still be found at this address. Maybe Senior Qin suddenly lost his temper again and might have gone to another place. He also told me to look for him first, and if there was no result, he would Write to the drugstore and he will help you and then inquire again.
I expected that my trip to Hubei would not be short, so I brought almost everything I could take with me. I also rummaged through the boxes and found the money and the national pass that Master had hidden at home. In this way, I embarked on a journey My new journey with unknown results.
My destination was Hankou, but transportation was inconvenient. To go to Hubei at that time, I could only take a boat from the pier, then dock in Wuchang, and then use other transportation methods to get to Hankou. The ship's route would pass through the city where Meng Dongxue was located, and it would dock there for two or three hours. But I didn't go ashore. I just looked at the place where I landed on the deck. Everything was so close to me, but so far away. In the end, I couldn't help but feel sentimental again.
Whenever I feel sad, I light up a cigarette. Blown by the river wind, the smoke burned faster than usual. The only passengers in the same cabin were me and another middle-aged man who had been sleeping soundly since we boarded the ship. Starting from the next morning, the ship had already sailed to the border of eastern Sichuan. The temperature in late autumn was already very cool, especially on the ship. But I withstood the cold wind and kept standing on the bow. Because I can’t miss so many cultural treasures left by predecessors, such as Zhangfei Temple, Shibaozhai, Fengdu Ghost Town, Baidi City, etc., and I can’t miss the miraculous craftsmanship on the Yangtze River, the Three Gorges of the Yangtze River.
Along the way, I got a cold from too much wind, and it also made me temporarily forget my previous worries while marveling at the magic of nature.
So on the afternoon of the third day, while sneezing and blowing my nose, I carried my luggage and set foot on Wuchang, Hubei Province for the first time.
But I didn't expect that a journey to find Master, which I thought was an ordinary journey, would change my life once again.
