In her memory, she opened her eyes for the first time and saw only a normal world.
The stable social order and the normal and busy flow of people prevented her from discovering the abnormalities in this world at the earliest time. She studied and lived step by step, and then went to the job she expected - she liked this, even if she had to abide by normal society and the rules that were bound to her due to her own choices, this made her feel alive. Is real and catchable——
Let her be sure that everything she experienced was not an illusion she had just before she disappeared.
"Non-existent independence" was the only special thing about herself in her memory. She could never understand the meaning of this term. At that time, she only felt that the memory, or something contained in it, had too strong an impact on her. .
Until she accidentally saw the terrifying prophecy on the Internet——
"When the stars align, Chaos will rise from the earth, and the Great Beginning will awaken."
She didn't pay much attention to this prediction at first.
Whether it is the past that she has forgotten and only has some memories of, or the past that she still has now, people are always happy to predict the end of the world - natural disasters, man-made disasters, and so-called punishments from gods are all almost inevitable in those predictions. The protagonist of existence.
What happened later made her gradually realize the abnormal existence in this world-the spreading weirdness and the budding cult. She gradually realized that the world was irreversibly sliding into the abyss step by step, regardless of ordinary people who were unaware of it. Neither humans nor those in special industries who have already noticed it can stop it.
It was an accident that made her finally understand the truth.
She could find that memory in her memory, as clear as if it happened just a moment ago.
Those people sent a corpse that she needed to identify the cause of death, and the corpse performed a ridiculous-looking but undoubtedly effective ritual while the soul in it still lingered. The name of the corpse was familiar yet unfamiliar to her, evoking memories that had been silent for her at that time——
Zhou Mingrui...Zhou Mingrui...
She still remembers the despair that filled her heart when she heard the name, or should I say, for her now, looking back at all the memories will give her a feeling that only happened a moment ago. She still remembered her uncontrollable madness after a moment of despair——
What was she thinking at that time?
She was thinking - what should humans do to equip their civilization with the ability to withstand the awakening of such a god?
The humble and arrogant thought was the strongest desire in her heart at that time, and she was willing to give up everything for it.
If it had been earlier or later, she would probably... no, she would have only pessimistically pronounced a death sentence on such an idea. Only then would she truly long for it in her heart. Able to do it - If everything has nothing to do with them, or if they have truly understood the despair involved, what kind of person would be willing to abandon everything just to achieve a hopeless goal?
The idealist—or, even more elusively, the paranoid.
The person who understands the necessity but does not fully understand the despair is most likely to become an idealist. She was not a born idealist as a human being, she just used her own methods to turn herself into a paranoid little by little——
So she will always have such endless expectations.
She almost equates herself with the existence of this desire, and using all means to satisfy such desire is almost an instinct for her to maintain her own existence.
It's just that this is a twisted world, and the "great original" is a twisted god, and if she wants to achieve her goal, she can only use twisted means.
What is an independent self? Everyone is like different amounts of liquid, mixed from an unknown number of colors, and placed in containers of different sizes. The formation of the self is like pure white water being poured into different paints until it has its own unique background color and then actively rejects the inflow of other colors, or until the container is filled and the paint overflows or directly bursts the container.
"Non-existent independence", if we regard it as a "container", then can a "person" who is constantly being transformed by "paint" from different sources be considered independent? If she regards herself as a kind of paint, can someone who blends in with others without any reservation count as an existence?
What does not exist is independence, what exists does not exist. If she is a human being, then she must be the best target for certain existences to corrode; and if she is the one who corrodes others, then she will be pervasive.
The "great original" eroded her when she was a human, and when she chose to give up her independent existence, she lurked in every part of His power. She was a parasite and a non-existant. ——
So she kept it secret.
She stripped herself of everything except her strongest desires at that time, so that although those things were still owned by her, they no longer affected her - those who have too much are always easy to change their ways under the influence of these things. . She carefully preserves the memories and desires of everyone who is willing to follow her, hoping that one day they will take root again in another completely different existence.
Those who are willing to follow - are definitely not defined in the human worldly sense, but those who pray to her, or those who want to do something at a certain moment and choose to maintain it later.
Yes, all she needed was a moment.
Strong desire is always too easy to disappear, but it is not that difficult to touch that secret connection at a certain moment.
The difficulty is sustaining one's desire to be just as strong over a longer period of time.
The disappearance and change of desire is easy, but the maintenance of desire is painful. The most basic way to maintain the existence of desire is to never be satisfied, and then add it from time to time, which is like a superficial approach - it will definitely bring a strong pain to the human being, and it is even used on others in the era of human civilization. It must be a method that is hated by others.
The existence of desire also shapes the person who possesses it. And every shaping of desire will leave indelible traces on the owner, just like a flat piece of paper being bent. It seems that nothing has been lost, but it will never be recovered.
And this process is also a kind of endless pain, whether it is the process of transformation due to shaping, or after the transformation, facing the eyes of those close to you who suddenly look unfamiliar at a certain moment——
As long as we are human, we will never desire just one thing.
But she was looking forward to such pain, because the existence of pain was almost equivalent to the existence of her own desires. As long as her desire never stops, then——
She will be in endless pain forever.
And she will never stop.
