When I typed out these three words, I had extremely complicated emotions. Although I had long known that this book would end at this moment, it was not until this moment that I realized how reluctant I was to let go of this story. Finish. As soon as I stopped writing and closed my eyes, the nine hundred days and nights I had planned for this book began to emerge in front of me. All the emotions that once made me happy, silent, resentful, and manic also came to my mind at this moment. It came to my heart and cried like a baby in my ears. This cry brought out my tears and officially announced that this story was separated from me and became an independent adult.
Writing a book is a dream I had a long time ago. At first, it was just an idea. When I wrote a perfect composition for the first time in elementary school and was praised by the Chinese teacher, the idea sprouted. But as a child at that time, I was still more playful. As soon as this idea arose, I was praised by my Chinese teacher. Arcade games, Beyblade and other games cover it up. After all, playing is a child's nature, and writing a book is too far away for children. But after entering junior high school, my withdrawn personality gradually developed and it was difficult to make friends with other classmates. This forced me to turn to books and online articles, hoping to relieve my inner loneliness. As I read, the idea of writing a book came back to me, but what to write about? I'm at a loss.
First, the confusion stems from the lack of life experience, and the child cannot yet correctly understand society. Second, his writing ability is limited and he is unable to write words that he is satisfied with. So although this thought often arises, it also falls quickly, just like sitting on a seesaw, but sitting opposite me are other words and stories. When I was in high school and my family had some spare money and could buy some books, my love for literature fully burst out. At that time, I actually read classics non-stop, such as "Les Misérables", "One Hundred Years of Solitude", "The Red and the Black", and "A Tale of Two Cities". At that time, I made a childish vow to myself and decided that before graduating from high school, I had to finish a book every week, but unfortunately, I didn’t actually finish it. But the good news is that the idea of writing a book is getting stronger and stronger.
When I was in junior high school, the first story I wanted to write was about the most traditional and refreshing online game among online novels. I upgraded to fight monsters and pretend to be awesome. But I soon discovered that I didn’t understand online games at all, and I didn’t know what I wanted to pretend to be? Every time I write a beginning, I feel confused. When I was in high school, influenced by "Sou Shen Ji", "Wild Wilderness" and "Jiuzhou", my idea changed to writing a fairy tale, and then I bought a small notebook and started writing it when I couldn't attend class. I managed to write more than a dozen chapters now, but after that, I still couldn’t write anymore. Because the problems exposed to me this time were very practical, I only had favorite characters in my mind, but it was difficult to visualize the actual scene. So I thought I didn’t have enough writing talent, so I gave up on this dream.
For the entire four years of college, I stopped writing and became madly obsessed with history. Because at this time I discovered that the lives of historical figures are actually more dramatic and beautiful than the fate of literary figures. Because of some setbacks I encountered in my life, I began to think about the meaning of my existence and my future life goals. This made me must draw strength from history to overcome these problems, and ultimately achieved great results. But vaguely, I always feel that there is something very important that has been buried by me.
When I was about to graduate in my senior year, a good friend of mine came to ask me and said, "Why don't we come and write together?" These simple and simple words touched my soul. yes! writing! How could I forget this dream? The dream that I gave up at that time was clearly displayed in front of me at this time. At this time, I was completely certain of my goal, which was to write a history, my own history. Hence my last work "Wind and Rain in the Late Han Dynasty 190". I can only say that it was unfortunate. Although I regained my dream of writing at that time, I had no plan when I started the book. I just wanted to write an ordinary hegemony novel. The protagonist was also named Chen Chong, and he also assisted Liu Bei. , but why I wrote it this way, I just slapped my forehead without thinking about it at all.
But as I continued to write, I felt something was wrong. I found that this was not the story I wanted to write, or that my dream of writing for the past ten years should not be such a thing. I cannot devote all my love and hate, all my entanglements, all my struggles, all my pain to it. If I cannot write these things, I will feel like I have wasted the past ten years of my life. So I put the book down again, and then started to think again, why should I write? What am I going to write about? How can I sum up my youth, my beliefs, my life so far.
This is something that took me three years to figure out. Although I went through all kinds of setbacks and difficulties, all kinds of difficulties that are difficult to talk about with everyone, but have deeply scarred me, I still figured it out.
The first thing to understand is respect. I want to respect the stories I write, respect the characters I write, and even more respect the history from which I draw materials. I don’t like the banter in ordinary time-travel novels, the kind of disregard for the character’s soul that has nothing to do with oneself. I think this is not only contempt for the characters, but also contempt for the readers. Therefore, I have to write very carefully, carefully deduce every possibility of what happens next, and respect the characters' preferences, flaws, loves, hates, and beliefs. Exhuming their souls and placing them in a possibly completely different history makes them recognizable.
Now that I understand respect, I feel that I also need to be sincere. Sincerity is a very rare quality in contemporary times, because sincerity comes with a price and is not needed by others. Sincerely exposing one's bloody scars is a very ugly behavior, and people can easily find this behavior unseemly. But I have experience that once a person puts on a hypocritical skin, it is easy to forget the true self, and then do some things that he cannot accept, which in turn brings more suffering to himself. So after much thought, I decided to write sincerely and share my true thoughts and thoughts with everyone. Even if no one cares, at least there is no deception.
Then, I finally knew what I wanted to express. At first, it was a kind of hatred. I really hated the unreasonable exclusion of goodness and beauty in most online articles, denying conscience, denying sympathy, denying love, denying principles, and at the same time denying faith. Then they feel complacent about their own selfishness, as if they have mastered the truth in the world. In my eyes, this kind of complacency is intolerable. It is a poppy that sucks bones and blood, a sharp knife that cuts the heart and lungs, and a corpse fire that destroys everything. For mankind, it is the entropy of degeneration, for a nation, it is the shackles of decline, and for me, it is the iron whip that tortures my soul. So I want to dig out all the kindness and love I got from history in my life. Even if people laugh at me, even if I am devalued as worthless, I still want to write and turn him into a concrete character. A concrete life to fight a never-ending war against everything I hate.
I finally found a way for me to write it down, which is to let the words and the plot become a torture of myself, proving that what I have in my heart is something I absolutely believe in and have no doubt about, so that I can put this story and my life into perspective. Drawing an equal sign also brings an end to the past thirty years of my life, and then begins the next phase of my journey.
Then there is the choice of subject matter. At this time, I actually read a lot. I know domestic history well before the Tang Dynasty, and abroad I know French history and Japanese Warring States history quite well. I was still hesitant about whether I should continue to choose the Three Kingdoms as a subject. I actually liked Louis XIII of France and Cardinal Richelieu Monarch very much at the time, and I was thinking about whether I should change this subject and write something about the war between religious gods and kingdoms interspersed with personal destiny. But after thinking about it, Richelieu's cunning image may not match the temperament I want to express, but the idealistic temperament of Liu Bei Group is a perfect fit. I actually don't have a second choice. So I will continue to write about the Three Kingdoms at the end of Han Dynasty along the lines of the previous book.
But even after thinking so much clearly, writing is still not smooth sailing.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t written for too long. During the first half million words, I was still looking for a sense of language for writing. I would read from “The Romance of the Three Kingdoms”, “The Tale of the Heike”, “Golden Ou Que”, “Li Zicheng”, “Heaven and Earth”. ", "Takeda Shingen" and other works, among which the most imitated is "Amano Vast". To be honest, it is not as big as plagiarism. But even so, I still inevitably have some slickness left over from reading online articles in my early years, so I will unconsciously make some jokes from time to time, such as "Flash Hathaway" and "Rurouni Kenshin" Famous sentences all appear in the text.
After 500,000 words, my sense of language was finally settled. However, there were still big problems with writing skills and story arrangement. I made many different attempts to make my expression consistent with these. The technique was integrated into one, but from time to time something unexpected happened that I didn't expect, and it didn't get better until I had written a million words.
But after one million words, I felt that everything about me had matured, and what I needed next was to improve myself. So I started trying to combine the connotations of "One Hundred Years of Solitude", "The Idiot", "Crime and Punishment", "Anna Karenina" and other works. Is it good? Many people think it's not good, but I'm actually very satisfied with it, because it's a matter of talent. I can only write about it by combining the hardships I've experienced with the history I understand, and I've reached the limit of what I can currently write. For example, my native family is a divorced family. I transferred my feelings about family to Chen Chong's family. I used to have many good friends, but they betrayed me unreasonably, so I also wrote some unpleasant stories based on history. As for the plot, I have personally taken care of several patients with depression. The communication with them gave me a lot of ideas, which were integrated into my stories and words.
At this time, there are probably many people calling me a shameless literary and historical Brahmin, but this is not a job title, this is how I create. I really tried my best to present everything I wanted to write to everyone. I was really tired. Some people scolded me online some time ago, which caused this book to become notorious to a certain extent. But rather than saying that I Torturing readers, what I actually want to tell you is that I am torturing myself, and I am suffering more than anyone else.
I couldn't bear to part with Chen Chong very much. He was the embodiment of all the good qualities in my heart. When I wrote about his death, I felt that a piece of my heart was missing, but his life was complete because of it. Chen Chong's life is over, but my life is not over yet, and my life will never be as exciting as Chen Chong's, which makes me feel lost.
Finally, when I looked back at the entire book, I felt that there were still some regrets, which made me want to overhaul the first one million words and add some short biographies at the beginning of the story. But I thought about it and decided to end it like this. This kind of work can just witness my changes in the past few years. But what makes me happy is that the core of me has not changed at all.
Finally, I attach a poem that I wrote many years ago. The purpose of writing it is to put it here now and tell everyone about my state of mind before writing:
When the first word falls on my palm
The distant love and hate are revived
It crosses the barren graves like fallen leaves on Beimang Mountain
Penetrating the hollow foundation between the bronze figures
Let’s meet the flowing water of Longban again
Just rush into the ripples of the Star Sea
So longing climbed onto the tip of my pen
One thousand eight hundred years after the blood began to flow
Children recite poems made of iron
That's not my dream, it's an old man's paranoia
Never forget the splendor and reserve
Then he asked in a sighing tone
Facing the Han River that runs through the Qinling Mountains
Who carried me and flew across the shadow of the moon?
Forgot, all forgotten
All that remains in my memory is the lonely fire of love
Waiting for a torch that believes in the future
