Recent miscellaneous notes

I listened to a song this afternoon. I actually heard it a long time ago, but when I listened to the song today, I felt a little different from the past.

Maybe in real life, my personality is just not lovable. My disgust with some things is just fuss in the eyes of others.

But what is right? What is wrong? I think it's hard to define sometimes.

…

I must admit that there are really some problems with my character. This has nothing to do with anyone's opinion, but I now feel that it is problematic in today's society.

But I can still do the right things. At least the words I wrote are quite positive.

I don't think there are any fatal flaws in my character. As long as I don't do anything extremely evil or cause substantial harm to others, I don't think there is any need to make so-called fundamental changes.

…

I listened to a song recently, and there is a line in it called "This may be cause and effect, such futile persistence."

I am just a common man, and there are very few things I can change. Now I realize that I can't even change my own "character".

I suddenly remembered something my previous teacher said: "When you don't know why you are studying, you should learn it first; because you are afraid that when you really want to do something in the future, you will suddenly find that you no longer have that ability. At that time, you may regret why you didn't learn more in the first place? That feeling is very painful and desperate. So you can only comfort yourself and say: "I actually don't particularly want these things. Then Forget it. "But you obviously really want to do that and want to get something."

Now I also feel that some things are probably useless even if I learn them, but every time I think of what the teacher said, I feel that maybe they will be useful in the future.

Because I really don’t want to use the reason “I don’t actually want those things that much” to comfort myself who was powerless at that time. Then you can only look up to others to take away what you hold dear to your heart.

But I obviously just want to get those things, I just want to accomplish certain things. In the end, I could only comfort myself, but actually I didn’t want it that much. Then hang out with "similar people" to keep warm. Isn't this ridiculous?

No matter what others think, or whether I will change in the future, at least now I feel quite shameful and cowardly.