Now that the old man has gone down the mountain, let us first introduce the specific situation at the foot of the mountain. As mentioned above, this world is another Ming Dynasty, so let us first explain why the tree where Emperor Chongzhen hanged himself was in Yingtian Mansion. The back mountain of Nanjing is not the back mountain of Shuntian Prefecture and Peiping. Let me explain the reason.
This reason mainly lies with Zhu Di. It is said that in the fourth year of Hongwu, the eleven-year-old Zhu Di was granted the title of King of Yan. Of course, it was not because Zhu Di valued his son, but because Zhu Chongba’s twenty-six sons were all granted the title. King, although Zhu Di was born in the south, he came to Peiping when he was only 21 years old. It was not until 1403 that Zhu Di invaded Yingtian Mansion, drove away his nephew, and ascended the throne as emperor. By calculation, he was already in After staying in the north for more than 20 years, Zhu Di has long been accustomed to the cold wind, wind and sand in the north, as well as the feeling of running wildly on the grassland. He is not used to the hot and humid weather in the south. In addition, he has been riding in the mountains all year round. On horseback, and being out all year round, he could not change clothes and bathe frequently, so Zhu Di also suffered from hemorrhoids, just like Napoleon abroad, who was also a hero and suffered from hemorrhoids, even if he was in another country Time and space, hemorrhoids are incurable diseases that often recur, not to mention that it was still hundreds of years ago before the Ming Dynasty. Medical technology was still very immature, and there was no way to treat hemorrhoids. Moreover, the air in the south was humid, which was a problem for Zhu Di who had hemorrhoids. Kind of suffering.
So in a court meeting, Zhu Di first proposed demolition. No, it should be said to be relocation, because all the settings of Yingtian Mansion will remain the same, including the residences of all the ministers here, and no brick or tile will be touched. All houses in Shuntian Mansion will be built. They are all large houses with independent courtyards, five in and five out, rockery ponds, carved beams and painted pillars, as well as furniture and ornaments. All supporting facilities will be guaranteed, and they will be absolutely luxurious and finely decorated. Ministers only need to move there with their families and servants, and the Ming court will also be responsible for travel expenses. Such relocation conditions are unprecedented in history. It is important for future generations of unscrupulous developers to learn from the past.
Of course, as for the excuse for relocation, it would definitely not be because of hemorrhoids. The emperor also wanted to lose face, so Zhu Di just thought of a reason. The weather in the south was hot and he had to take a bath every day and use waste water.
Zhu Di believed that with such a justified reason and generous salary, the ministers would definitely not refuse. But Zhu Di's judgment was wrong for the first time. Those civil servants were all well-read poetry and knowledgeable people. If you put forward some high-sounding reasons, such as the emperor guarding the country, for example, Shuntian Prefecture is close to the border, which is convenient for resisting the harassment of nomads, For example, the people of Shuntian Prefecture are too miserable. Give them a little royal energy, etc., etc., they will 100% not refuse for such reasons. Zhu Di is so good, he actually said that it is too hot in the south and he has to take a bath every day.
It was still the period of the Sanyang Cabinet. First of all, several cabinet bachelors disagreed and vetoed Zhu Di's proposal just because it was a waste of money and people. Other loyal ministers in the court also did not agree with the proposal of relocation. The south is great, but the north is cold and windy, and girls She is not pretty and her skin is not good either.
Seeing so many people objecting, any other emperor would have compromised and given up his own ideas. After all, the ministers of the Ming Dynasty were very difficult to mess with. They liked to force others to die, just like the one who forced his godfather to divorce his first wife. My daughter, crying, making trouble, and hanging herself, who can bear it?
But who is the emperor? He is Zhu Di. He is a ruthless man who pretends to be crazy and dares to eat shit. How can you object? I will listen to you. Relocation is necessary. Zhu Di decided to make the decision by slamming the table. All the ministers in the court could only go back to prepare with sad faces.
Some people are happy and others are sad. For example, those officials who are engaged in construction are very happy because there is money to be made. They are also the only group of officials who agree. As for the people, what does it have to do with them? They should not have enough to eat.
However, when all the civil and military officials returned home, the opposition from their families was even more intense than the opposition of those ministers in the court. For example, the concubine in the eighth room of cabinet scholar Yang Shiqi turned out to have the same hobby as Yang Guifei, and she liked to eat lychees. How can there be lychees to eat in the north? And Yang Shiqi was unwilling. In order to buy lychees for his concubine, like Li Longji, he spent a lot of money to transport them from the south on fast horses, thus leaving behind the infamy of "when a concubine riding in the world of mortals laughs, no one knows it is lychees." Leave a stain on your own glorious reputation. In a fit of anger, you went to the Meridian Gate with a hemp rope. The general meaning is that if you want to move, I will hang myself in front of your house. Of course, this is just an attitude.
There are many reasons for the opposition of other ministers. Some have rhinitis and are not suitable to go to the north. Some have family members with inconvenient legs and feet and are not suitable for long distances. Some family properties are in the south. If they go to the north, the business will easily go bankrupt. In short, demolition Okay, let’s settle these things first.
The ministers of the Ming Dynasty had a tradition that as long as they disagreed with something and the emperor insisted on implementing it, they would choose to remonstrate to death.
So the Meridian Gate soon became lively. Hundreds of ministers gathered at the Meridian Gate. Some were holding arsenic and red crane crowns. Those with better conditions were holding white silk. Those with poor conditions could only imitate Master Yang and hold one. Hemp rope, the meaning is very clear, as long as you insist on moving, everyone plans to die in front of Zhu Di's house.
Although Zhu Di was a fierce man and did not like these ministers, but these people really died in front of the Meridian Gate, his reputation did not matter, but it would not work if there was no one to work with. He did not have the energy of his father, He could read hundreds of memorials and deal with thousands of state affairs in a day. Due to the pressure, Zhu Di finally gave up the idea of relocation. There was no other way. From then on, Zhu Di could only develop the habit of changing three pairs of pants a day. Normally If a person changes his underwear once every three days, it means he wants to leave cleanly, but if you change three pairs a day, there must be something wrong. Later, it was spread among the people that the current emperor Zhu Di had a hidden disease of incontinent urination. This was also one of the reasons why Zhu Di reopened Jinyiwei. important reason.
The relocation was unsuccessful, so naturally Li Zicheng entered the capital city of Yingtian Mansion, and Chongzhen could only go to the back mountain of Yingtian Mansion to hang himself.
The topic returned to the two fat Tutuos.
The fat man hung up the phone and finally let go of the fear in his heart. He was very worried that his boss would consider stewing him. Because the current sage Zhu Xiluo likes pork knuckles, his boss also fell in love with this delicacy.
"Fat brother, what should we do now?" Erpang asked.
"Besides, I'm fat, so don't eat the chicken butt," the fat man scolded.
It's just that the flaw in IQ is a flaw. The second fat man was very happy when he heard that he didn't want to eat chicken butt. Could it be that the eldest brother found out his conscience and planned to eat the best chicken breast for himself? With a smile on his face, he asked, "Don't eat chicken butt?" Brother, what are you going to give me to eat?"
Er Pang's face was full of joy, waiting for a wonderful answer.
"Eat chicken shit".
Well, the smile on the second fat man's face disappeared and he looked at the big fat man aggrievedly: "Brother, eating chicken feces will cause diarrhea."
"Diarrhea is good, diarrhea helps you lose weight." Seeing what the second fat man wanted to say, the big fat man immediately decided: "If you talk again, you will only eat chicken feathers."
Well, okay, in comparison, chicken feathers are still better than chicken excrement, but Erpang’s idea may be different from everyone else’s. Chicken excrement is soft, he is old, and his teeth are not good, so Erpang will still choose the latter. .
Ignoring his silly brother, he picked up a tree trunk on the ground. The fat man wanted to stand up, but his injured leg couldn't bear the effort, and he was overweight, so the first attempt failed.
Seeing this, the second fat man wanted to help, but his arm was also injured, so he could only feel overwhelmed and unable to do anything. He gave his brother an encouraging look, "Brother, you can do it, I believe in you."
The second attempt failed, the third time, the fourth time, well, the big fat man couldn't stand up anymore, and stared at the second fat man with his eyes fiercely, feeling very helpless towards his subordinates who had no eyesight, so he could only He opened his mouth and said, "You are blind. You didn't see that I couldn't stand up, so you couldn't have come to help me."
Feeling wronged again, Erpang raised his dislocated arm and explained with tears: "Brother, my arm is also injured."
"You only have one hand. That hand is free to hold your butt." The fat man was impatient again.
Erpang put down his hand that was picking his mouth and replied: "Oh."
Walking over, using one arm, the fat man finally stood up. Remember, these words should be filled with excitement, like a feeling of rebirth.
In just a short while, the big fat man changed from a monk to a fairy Tieguai Li. The second fat man was very envious and said: "Brother, you are so good like this. The effect of begging for food is very good."
"you shut up". The fat man muttered: "For longevity, have a normal heart, have a normal heart."
He walked toward the outside of the mountain step by step with a cane, and Er Pang trotted to keep up. Big Pang was envious of Er Pang's brisk walking and asked, "What are you doing?"
"What are you doing?"
"You are blind. You didn't see that I was injured. I have to go to the hospital." Big Fatty cursed fiercely. The normal feeling I had just now was forgotten.
"Brother, your eyesight isn't very good either." The fat man raised his arms, howled a few times, and then said, "I'm injured too."
"Second Fatty, this is a serious injury of mine. I can't do it without going to the hospital. Your injury is fine. You can just bandage it yourself." Big Fatty explained in a serious tone.
“People don’t know how”
Uh, okay. Under Big Fat's instructions, Er Fat picked up the branches on the ground and tore off his own clothes. Fortunately, the clothes hadn't been washed for decades and they were easy to tear with just one hand.
As for why the second fat man tore off his own clothes instead of his eldest brother's, the big fat man explained this way: "I want to go to the medical clinic. There are many little girls there, which will affect the image of Buddha."
The second fat man was surprised to see that the big fat man could still bandage. It was the first time in decades that he saw his big brother with such a unique skill, saying, "Big brother is so awesome, he can do everything."
Big Fatty wanted to say that I don't know how to eat chicken feces, but in order to prevent Fatty Two from becoming a picky eater, he didn't explain.
"Brother, who did you learn this skill from? If you don't work with the boss in the future, we can open a medical clinic." Erpang was very excited and had plans for his future.
"I saw the third lady bandaging the dog." Big Fat explained.
Well, okay, Erpang continued: "It's okay, being a veterinarian is also very profitable."
"Okay, the bandage is done." Big Fatty still had a childlike innocence, and even tied a beautiful bow for Erpang.
"I'm going to the medical clinic. Remember to guard the mountain pass. If that kid goes down the mountain too, we two brothers will really have to eat chicken shit," the big fat man ordered.
"It's good to eat chicken shit," Er Pang said nonchalantly. After all, they were the same people who had eaten dog shit when they were begging for food.
"Shut up, I asked you to guard the door, so you should guard the door, no matter what nonsense." Faced with his brother's IQ, Big Fat also seemed very powerless.
"Oh, I got it, brother," Erpang replied.
Looking at the big fat man slowly leaving, the second fat man shouted loudly: "Brother, come back early, I'm afraid of the dark."
"I know, I know".
The rain kept falling, and only a lonely figure was left watching the departing figure, hesitating step by step, without looking back, without reluctance.
Ten Miles Long Pavilion, Zhang Lang’s back.
I can't help but feel the love-sickness.
Broken flowers and fallen leaves decorate the beautiful scenery in dreams.
The dream of the mortal world lasts for thousands of years, and only a few people can explain it clearly.
The gauze skirt is hemmed, the wine is in the intestines, and the sword is light in the drunken dance.
White hair and temples, thinking about Lang like a dream.
On moonless nights, we always walk alone.
Who will wait for me to wake up at three or five o'clock?
Waking up is nothing more than an idiot's dream.
