Chen Junping's 30th birthday happened to be the day after he changed his third job. A strange city and strange people made him feel somewhat distant. So that afternoon, he didn't tell anyone, but just walked randomly along the road back after work. After seeing a remote cafe, he ran into it.
There are quite a few text messages on the phone. They were from insurance companies, banks, clothing stores where I had applied for discount cards, and some from friends and former colleagues. They should all be jokes downloaded from the Internet, or have a fixed format. The words in the words are either polite or exaggerated, showing a bit of alienation and coldness. After Chen Junping swiped the screen with one hand and flipped through it casually, he put the phone aside and waved to the waiter for a cup of hot cocoa.
This store is small and decorated in a very bourgeois style. The hanging table was pressed against the wall, and there were several books of unknown authors placed above it. There were only a few customers in the shop, all of them young lovers. Occasionally they would chat and laugh together in low voices, but they were all smiling like flowers blooming in May. Occasionally they would raise their voices and say some innocent and clichéd words, but to Chen Junping's ears, they felt that they were of little value.
The age of 30 seems to be a hurdle. I miss the youthful enthusiasm of the 20-year-old and sneer at the superficiality and straightforwardness of the 20-year-old. Looking forward to the stability and restraint of 40 years old, and fearing the responsibility of 40 years old. Chen Junping sometimes doesn't understand why, at an age that others call "appropriate", he feels tired as long as he stops for a moment. The tiredness that is covered up by the pressure of work always follows, making the whole person start to become a little lazy and weak.
A Ling said that now he is becoming more and more passive and withdrawn from the world. What I think about every day is to find a warm nest and sleep in it without waking up.
A Ling is a close friend of Chen Junping. The colleague I met at my first job was a warm and frank person who could get along well with everyone. Chen Junping always murmurs in his heart that girls with this kind of personality will easily suffer in society, but he has to admit: Even he sometimes craves that kind of straightforward and kind warmth.
For example, today, Aling was the only person besides her parents who called her to send her blessings.
She was not like Chen Junping's parents who kept talking about why his marriage was still unsettled over and over again. For Chen Junping now, the attitude of his parents is no longer as high as it was more than ten years ago, but has become very low, so low that Chen Junping can't breathe. A-ling's words were still like those of a naughty girl, laughing and scolding with a provocative tone that was not unbearable. Although she is now a mother, she still remembers to take the time to call Chen Junping. This kind of human touch inexplicably made Chen Junping feel that he could forget everything else for the time being.
But after talking nonsense for a long time, when she was about to hang up the phone, A Ling added:
"Aping, you should come back often to get together with all of us."
Chen Junping didn't even raise his eyebrows, he just said perfunctorily: "Well, sometimes."
"Don't work too hard. You should relax yourself occasionally. You don't know how happy everyone was together when Sister Huang's child was born yesterday. And last month, Lin Hao's family added a girl to their family. "
Chen Junping felt his heart tingle slightly, but his expression remained unchanged, and he responded lightly:
"oh……"
"A Ping," A Ling paused. It was such a brief pause that Chen Junping seemed to understand something instantly: "I'm dead."
Listening to the "beep..." notification sound coming from his cell phone, Chen Junping felt slightly blocked. What he may not have expected is that simple girls will grow up, and will remind themselves in a subtle way: the best way to forget the blank is actually pain. At least after the pain, you will understand: some things are no longer worth waiting for or having illusions about.
On what terms can I stand by and watch?
Life is changing, everyone is changing. I was still performing that elegant and outdated old movie willfully, but I couldn't see that it had already become a one-man show. And those facts that I close my eyes and don't want to face have already been integrated into the ordinary life that I dismiss, full of laughter and curses.
The encounter between Lin Hao and Chen Junping was not surprising. The two of them joined a foreign-funded company together after graduating from university, and they got to know each other during training. Chen Junping didn't have any special impression of Lin Hao at that time. He just remembered that he was good at foreign languages, organized and rigorous in doing things. Among a group of young people, they have a unique and stable temperament. Other than that, I didn’t think much about it. So that in the years to come, in the constant recollection, every detail of the time when we first met was recalled repeatedly, which was much more vivid than the actual scene at that time.
If life is only like the first meeting, I'm afraid most of it just refers to the first meeting in this kind of memory, right?
But at that time, in good conscience, Chen Junping didn't take Lin Hao seriously. In fact, this is not surprising. Having just come out of college, I have a high-spirited mentality and have all kinds of unrealistic assumptions about my new job. How could he take a potential competitor seriously when he was young and energetic?
During the training, the work unit will definitely assign some topics for discussion in order to examine them. As the team leader, Lin Hao needs to integrate everyone's opinions to make PPT and so on, which is naturally more tiring. Since he himself did not refuse, a group of young people were happy and relaxed. However, late that night, when Chen Junping came out to dry his clothes, he accidentally discovered that Lin Hao was still busy on the table in the conference room. On a whim, he made a bowl of noodles and sent it to Lin Hao.
After that, Lin Hao looked at him differently. Chen Junping didn't deliberately say anything. He had never been in love in college, and he didn't want to be bound by anything too early when he entered society. But he didn't want to refuse Lin Haoming's overtures.
Young people always have a little bit of vanity, hoping to be recognized and appreciated. Be it talent or charm. So after the two of them were polite back and forth for a few times, they exchanged many secret glances, but no one broke through the layer of paper.
Of course, just because the two of them are doing Tai Chi doesn't mean that everyone around them is a fool. The first to be discovered must be their close friends. Lin Hao has a large circle of friends. Occasionally, he will invite Chen Junping to his friends' gatherings under some pretexts. Naturally, his extraordinary concern for Chen Junping could not escape the eyes of a group of friends, so under the cheers of the crowd, perhaps because he was happy with his drink, Lin Hao actually lost his voice due to the drunkenness:
"This is my boyfriend."
Chen Junping's heart also "knocked" at that time. He glanced at Lin Hao with twinkling eyes. However, after Lin Hao's eager eyes for verification also looked at him, he quickly curled the corners of his mouth perfunctorily, and then lowered his head. Go down.
Lin Hao thought he was acquiescing. How could he guess that Chen Junping had other thoughts?
When he went back that night, Lin Hao secretly wanted to step forward and hold Chen Junping's hand, but Chen Junping calmly avoided him. Lin Hao thought he was embarrassed at first, but he didn't know that Chen Junping later walked faster and faster without saying a word. Only then did he realize that something was wrong with the situation.
"Aping..." He stood there, looking at Chen Junping's back as he walked further and further away, and shouted with some uncertainty.
Chen Junping stood still. After a long time, he sighed softly:
"You didn't even discuss it with me," he added after a pause: "Don't make such a joke next time."
Chen Junping's tone was calm, but Lin Hao was speechless for a moment.
A man's passion will not always lead to the right decision. But some correct decisions cannot be made without this passion. Chen Junping self-righteously gave Lin Hao such a step, but his enthusiasm gradually faded away.
Lin Hao felt a little disappointed, but he didn't say anything. He couldn't figure out what Chen Junping was thinking. Chen Junping's previous actions seemed to be in response. At least he didn't hate Lin Hao's overtures. However, when Lin Hao mustered up the courage, Chen Junping gave him another nail that was neither soft nor hard. This made him a little confused and a little anxious.
After thinking for a long time, he put his hands in his pockets and smiled lightly:
"knew."
There are some words that remain unspoken for the rest of your life. The distance between a word, a pair of hands, and a hug may eventually be too far to be imagined.
The relationship between them seemed not to be affected by that night, and remained the same as before. But that sentence seems like a knot in life. Occasionally it will still appear in my mind and cause trouble in my thoughts. Although, none of them wanted to mention it later.
They still send each other long text messages every night, hide in bed and talk on the phone for an hour, and treat each other to dinner after get off work again and again. They do similar things as lovers, but they never even hold hands.
Lin Hao became more and more confused, but Chen Junping felt at ease. He is a person who likes to do as he pleases. Once he is comfortable in any environment, he will not want any changes. He felt comfortable with Lin Hao's cooperation and the constant teasing and match-making among his friends, and found it interesting and good. But he didn't want to think about how long this would last, or what path he should take next.
"You are still young," he always thought, "why bother yourself?"
Freedom is a trap that life throws at many people. Later people had to spend more energy to take responsibility and make up for their mistakes. It is essentially because people are afraid of challenges and enjoy laziness, so they have no choice but to use an unintentional expression to beautify their lack of progress.
Anyone who doesn't know Chen Junping well may think that Chen Junping is a man with a very good temper. He never gets angry easily, and his words are gentle and gentle. He is cheerful but not ostentatious, considerate and measured. Most of the time, he seems like a quiet boy next door. However, after Lin Hao gradually penetrated in, he discovered that there were countless sharp thorns standing in the heart of this boy next door.
It took him 20 years to build a siege and arm in his heart to prevent harm from the outside world.
So when he occasionally lowered his guard, Chen Junping always made Lin Hao feel pity for him. He knew that such an idea was ridiculous, but Lin Hao had to admit this: it was Chen Junping's existence that made the machismo in his heart begin to grow like weeds.
That kind of reserve and coolness was like a peak, tempting him to climb. Lin Hao, who had already gone through a journey, didn't want to give up. He didn't want to miss the beautiful scenery on the top of the mountain.
If this relationship also has a so-called "honeymoon period", then the two years they were colleagues together indeed added some warmth to this memorable period. Different from being hesitant about relationships, Chen Junping is an extremely dedicated and serious person at work. Both he and Lin Hao are very willing to endure hardship and never refuse dirty and tiring work. Sometimes when they encounter something difficult to solve, the two of them will often discuss it together until late at night. At this time, Chen Junping would put aside his ambiguous and evasive attitude and become quite difficult to deal with. As long as there is a slight disagreement about what he believes in, he will argue vigorously and will not give in at all.
Lin Hao would compromise at this time. Seeing Chen Junping with a child-like smile on his face because of the joy of victory. He will feel that any verbal victory will be meaningless. And his generosity will also infect Chen Junping in a short time. Lin Hao can also get some additional rewards. For example, Chen Junping would ask him to go back and cook something for him to eat, or invite him to the court to compete with each other.
Chen Junping's football skills are average, but Lin Hao is very good at sports, especially basketball. He was once the main force of the school basketball team, with top-notch explosiveness and jumping ability. It can almost be said that he and Chen Junping are bullfighting together. He wants Chen Junping to score as many goals as Chen Junping can score. The prerequisite is that Chen Junping can score. But he didn't tell the other party about this. After all, after working, playing basketball was for fitness, and there was no need to make Chen Junping lose face in this regard.
When you are in love, one party always needs to make a certain degree of compromise. Lin Hao loved carefully and carefully, allowing Chen Junping to enjoy the sense of superiority and dominance. It's just that playing hard to get in love is different from the sophistication in life. Once you get used to one person's tolerance, the flaws in the entire world will be magnified.
So that sap came unexpectedly, but it was also timely.
I have to say that Chen Junping is a person with a very good sixth sense. His defense against the world stems from his innate instinct: to stay aloof from the world and avoid getting hurt. But sometimes the development of things does not follow people's subjective wishes. Although Chen Junping has always adhered to the principle of "keeping a low profile and doing things with a high profile", his eagerness to grow at work still brought some sense of crisis to those around him. And he seems to have forgotten: not everyone is as tolerant of his shortcomings as Lin Hao. They only need to induce a few words at a certain point and pretend to be blind to something, and it is easy to magnify a mistake to the point where it is difficult to end it.
The reason is simple. When a client that Chen Junping was responsible for signed a contract with the company, he adopted the agreed payment method of acceptance bill. However, the customer stamped the wrong financial seal when endorsing the product, causing the bank to refuse payment when due, and the company's payment could not be received in time. But at this time: the other company had a capital chain problem, so everyone was very nervous at the time. In order to shirk responsibility, people in the finance department found several documents to prove that Chen Junping violated the company's regulations when he signed the contract. It is equivalent to paying the goods before payment is received, which is a reverse procedure, and he must be held accountable. Although after public relations, the company recovered the payment. But because the matter at that time had already reached the top, it had a relatively large impact. In order to calm the fluctuations, the company still punished Chen Junping. He was just a salesman at the time and had no capital to compete with the senior employees, so all his excuses were suppressed. Although Chen Junping was full of grievances, he had no choice but to accept it.
One can imagine the blow this incident had on Chen Junping. He has always been a person who feels good about himself. Living so cautiously is to protect your peaceful life. But in the end, I was still pricked by the thorn in my heart and was bleeding. Chen Junping's "boy next door" temperament suddenly faded, and he became less talkative. Occasional exchanges were occasionally mixed with a few words of complaint and venting.
Lin Hao was a little worried about him. You need to know: In this collective composed of employment relationships, others will quickly forget how good you were in the past, but they may remember the bad things you did and the bad words you said for a lifetime. He was afraid that Chen Junping's childishness would start to deteriorate his working environment. So, a few nights later, he called Chen Junping and asked him to go out for a drink together.
Chen Junping looked upset. He and Lin Hao sat on the stairs of the corridor together, squeezing the beer cans loudly but not taking a sip. Lin Hao waited for a long time, but Chen Junping was unwilling to say a word. He seemed content to just sit there with Lin Hao, letting the accumulated thoughts and solemn atmosphere cut into the hearts of the two of them.
"You should just relax and let it go."
Chen Junping shook his head. After being silent for a long time, he suddenly let out a long sigh:
"I'm just very disappointed with myself," he paused and added: "I'm not sure, so I'm scared. I'm sorry, Lin Hao."
"I'm fine, Aping. I just don't want you to live so tiredly. If you're unhappy, tell me, okay?"
Chen Junping laughed lowly, turned his face and quickly glanced at Lin Hao. After touching the other person's eyes, he quickly lowered his eyes:
"You're good enough for me."
It was so good that Chen Junping was a little overwhelmed.
If there is any imperfection in Lin Hao, maybe it only exists in Chen Junping's vision for the future.
He thought too badly about the future and imagined waiting as a way to escape. But he never thought: time will sharpen some things and dilute some things; it will change some things and erase some things.
In fact, one does not need to live so clearly in one's life. The more you pay attention to it, the more important it is, and the more you need to tolerate it. If life is a book, if you want to understand it, you cannot expect to see a flower between the lines. Integrity and authenticity are what matters. Life passes by in a hurry for decades, and I cannot bear the exhaustion of every word.
Easy come, easy go. In this increasingly tiring love, letting go is just like holding hands, maybe it's just a momentary choice. Chen Junping only realized the irony after the fact. He always felt that he needed time to think, but for such a long time, he could not find the answer to his doubts. On the contrary, one unintentional word changed his entire life.
Lin Hao drank a little too much that night for some reason. It was almost after eleven o'clock that he called and called Chen Junping out. The two of them walked around the courtyard of the community, pacing as usual. The weather in early winter was slightly chilly. Chen Junping put his hands in his pockets and smelled the faint smell of alcohol emanating from the person behind him.
"It's so late, what's going on?" Chen Junping asked casually.
This is not Lin Hao's first whim. Different from Chen Junping's foresight and foresight, Lin Hao is a more unrestrained and passionate person. When two people are together, Lin Hao is often the first to start the conversation in life. Chen Junping is only responsible for listening and feeling. But that night, Lin Hao seemed a little low-key.
"My mother said that a colleague at her workplace wanted to introduce me to a girlfriend."
Chen Junping was stunned for a moment and stopped.
There was something strange in his heart. But he still had to calm down and think about the meaning of Lin Hao's words.
This is actually quite normal. After leaving college and entering society, one's focus needs to be appropriately shifted. What's more, they have been working for two years, and it is very common for adults to start taking care of things for their children. When Chen Junping went home occasionally, his parents would start talking in front of him intentionally or unintentionally. They have already reached the age of marriage, and it is always so unclear. No wonder their parents are starting to worry.
But how can he face it? He's not ready yet.
"That... is pretty good." Chen Junping said hesitantly.
Lin Hao sneered. After standing there for a while, he walked towards the flower bed. There is a bench and a street lamp there, where they often chat.
"I didn't agree, and then my mother started asking me if it was because we talked secretly outside for so long. Then, guess what? It turned out that she already knew everything. Your existence, your Name, age, family, she found out everything."
Chen Junping was stunned. For a long time, he didn't know what kind of expression he had on his face.
He underestimated his situation. He has always believed that people can do whatever they want in the world and do whatever they want. But he never expected that emotional constraints would bring many additional variables to people. It turns out that unknowingly, those little secrets that were still growing in the greenhouse of my heart have already matured in the eyes of others.
It was at that moment that Chen Junping discovered that he was out of touch with this society. There is a sense of distance between my own heart and the surrounding environment.
"I don't know..." He was caught off guard and could only ask tentatively, feeling extremely nervous for the first time in his life.
"My mother said I was a fool. She said I was willing to be played with my feelings. She and I had a fight." Lin Hao took a few breaths, stood there holding on to the lamppost, and looked at Chen Junping seriously. : "Aping, do you know what I mean? I want you to tell me, tell me that my persistence is not meaningless."
The first time, the first time to face this kind of emotional pressure that can no longer be avoided. Chen Junping felt helpless for a moment.
He could see that with Lin Hao's character, he was definitely a filial son at home. He must have deliberately downplayed some of his mother's remarks so as not to embarrass Chen Junping. But when Chen Junping knew that this yet-to-be-formed relationship would definitely be hindered, at that moment, he felt chills all over his body.
A feeling of being breathless made Chen Junping stunned for a long time. He sat down on the chair with his head down and was silent for a long time.
He never thought he was that good, but he couldn't accept others describing himself in such a tone. He didn't want to play with Lin Hao's feelings, he just wanted to wait. But why use such a drastic method to force him to make a decision?
There are many possibilities ahead, but now he just wants to be freed from this panic and disappointment:
"Lin Hao, I still treat you as a friend."
I'm still not ready, can you wait a little longer?
His heart was shaking back and forth, but such vague words in his mouth made Lin Hao suddenly dim his eyes.
Then, Lin Hao cried.
He stood there with his head hanging, his right hand firmly grasping Chen Junping's shoulder. Chen Junping seemed to be frightened. He sat blankly on the chair and looked at Lin Hao twitching his shoulders.
"Chen Junping, you..."
Lin Hao shook his head vigorously, but in the end he didn't say anything.
For so many years, Chen Junping has been guessing what will happen next after Lin Hao's unfinished sentence?
Lin Hao's emotions were indeed out of control that night, but after a long period of silent accusations, he still remembered to control his emotions and sent Chen Junping home.
Perhaps that road is the one Chen Junping thinks about the most. Those trivial and noisy thoughts splashed quietly in the night wind, turning his brain into a ball. He suddenly longed for Lin Hao to come over and hold his hand at this moment. Perhaps now, he had begun to lack such a support.
But as usual, countless assumptions only existed in my mind and were not translated into actions. Repeatedly running through his mind: Let’s talk about it tomorrow. But he still doesn't know at this moment: there is hope in the future, but the future will completely destroy hope.
Chen Junping couldn't sleep that night. When he got up to drink water, he found that Lin Hao was still downstairs. He sat on the edge of the flower bed, leaning his back slightly, and a little scarlet light between his fingers flickered on and off. Chen Junping suddenly discovered in a trance: It turns out that his long-term persistence finally has the answer. Lin Hao really has shortcomings. In order to strive to create a perfect image in Chen Junping's mind, Lin Hao did cover up a lot of things deliberately. However, once those shortcomings in nature were discovered, they were not as savage as Chen Junping originally thought. Instead, they fermented in Chen Junping's heart bit by bit, and bit by bit, they became more profound. The presence.
Without that lingering bitterness, how can we set off and taste the sweetness?
Chen Junping suddenly felt a trace of panic, a trace of uncertainty, and a trace of loss. The various emotions were tangled in his mind, and he couldn't find any logic or language to organize them. The chaos was suspended in his thoughts, and he could neither be freed nor discarded.
Life is meant to be understood in detail. If you have not experienced, experienced, and tried, you will not be able to achieve success overnight. This relationship that had come to an end before it really started ended with soot and ashes all over the floor.
But those remnants have penetrated into their lives pervasively.
After all, we still work together and are still colleagues. The tiny particles in my heart that I can't see when I look up every day will always turn into an emotion, which is called embarrassment.
Lin Hao may be more calm, but as for Chen Junping, he always doesn't know what kind of eyes to look at each other.
Especially among those ashes, things are starting to heat up.
A month later, Chen Junping resigned without warning.
He wanted to give himself a chance and a complete relief. So he took the most drastic and willful approach in a desperate attempt to completely erase this experience from his life.
But Chen Junping forgot that feelings are not materialized things. He is nowhere to be found, adrift. When I want to forget, it seems I can’t do it. He didn't even know where to start cutting off.
He deliberately wanted to avoid contact with everything about Lin Hao, left the city, and deleted Lin Hao's phone number. But he never changed his contact information, and would often look at his mobile phone in a daze. He imagined that the number engraved in his mind would one day suddenly light up on the screen and light up his life again.
Then, will he have the opportunity to say the words that he didn't have time to say, and that are getting more and more stuck in his throat?
Time gradually erased the thorns in his heart, making Chen Junping become more candid. He suddenly discovered unknowingly: Those emotions that were originally unable to enter his heart were like a dull knife, rubbing his own heart over and over again in the changes of time. I never felt it at all and slowly got used to the sharp pain. His heart, which became more and more open and clear, gradually began to face the sharp blade, until he was forced to breathe.
He began to use other things to anesthetize himself, and even thought about starting another relationship. But many of those emotions we first encountered when we were young have become standards and habits. With his increasingly critical eyes, he suddenly discovered that Lin Hao had become a benchmark for him when making choices.
In this world, there will be no second Lin Hao to fill the gap in his future world.
So that's it, I want to let go but I can't.
Until now.
Chen Junping held the cup of hot cocoa, trying to maintain a little warmth in his chaotic thoughts. After a long time, he suddenly seemed to have thought of something. He raised his hand and casually took down a book of poetry from the bookshelf, hoping to divert his attention.
The collection of poems is a collection with no fixed author and only scattered poems by some social figures. There is neither a fixed format nor a fixed author, and the style is very user-friendly. Normally, Chen Junping would rarely notice it.
Opening the title page, there is only one sentence from the author:
"If you can see it one day, you know, no matter where you are, I hope you can have a good life."
Chen Junping's heart twitched unconsciously. He turned to the next page and found that it was a poem called "I Want to Say".
Want to say:
"Take my hand."
With a shy throbbing in my heart.
From this brightly lit end,
Go to the other side of the city.
Looking up at the light at the corner of the building,
Dreaming about one day,
It will also become a place for you and me.
Want to say:
"Lean on my shoulder."
Feel the youthful warmth in my arms,
Then start talking in a low voice,
Those things in life are indescribable.
Maybe next time,
We will get through it with support.
Want to say:
"Listen to my heartbeat."
Encouragement in the face of pressure.
The confusion under the dim street lights,
Speechless on the bench in the community.
You and I still accept that pain in silence,
Maybe a lifetime,
All that's missing is a quest beyond crying.
Want to say:
"Take up your courage."
Reservedness is a kind of foolish arrogance,
Happiness is the hand holding the reality close at hand.
We are always looking forward to and will only look forward to,
Gently interlocking your fingers,
The blue sea and blue sky in life depend on each other.
I want to say,
Those words that have never been spoken.
Once upon a time, we were still foolishly looking forward to the arrival of love when it was hard to express it in our hearts. In fact, it has already quietly passed us by. Once upon a time, we were all waiting for the maturity when we grow up to be able to solve the doubts of youth. But it turns out that there are some doubts, and the older I get, the more I can't solve them.
Chen Junping covered his eyes with his hands, but he still couldn't stop tears from flowing out from between his fingers.
once Upon a time……
There is no repetition in life, and there is no if in destiny.
So you and I have to let go of those unspoken words.
With trembling hands, Chen Junping grabbed his mobile phone, opened the cover with force, and took out his mobile phone sim card that had not been changed in more than ten years.
The paper cup in my hand is still steaming, just like the entanglements that rose up in the ashes after that night but were stubbornly unwilling to go away.
As you wish, I hope you will cherish it.
"Snapped……"
The small chip fell from the fingertip to the cup, causing a dark ripple, but gradually calmed down.
